The Nappy Cat Chronicles

[In this installment of George Likes Squirrels, a completely wasted Skibicki ponders the language of love.]

Skibicki Research is alive and well in case anyone is worried. And it is back with a vengeance like a Chunk Norris movie bringing more hope in the world for unanswered questions such as “Why is there another Tickle-Me-Elmo?.” Either way, I was having discussion with friends of mine about that bad communication between the sexes. These thoughts always seem to appear after loosening up after some drinking. So sober Skibicki Research is here to tell you that there is hope to understanding each other, and that Men are not from Mars and Women are not from Venus. We really are a little closer than that. It is more like men are from Alabama and women are from New Jersey. That is a scary thought. Really, there are times when I personally witness men and women in relationships actually understand each other without using more than two words in a sentence. I like to call them “Secret Languages” because the only thing that comes close to it is “Morse Code”. And I highly doubt that anyone uses Morse Code in a relationship. If you do, seek help.

So why are these “Secret Languages” so secret? They can be embarrassing. You have all seen it and heard it before where two people are close together speaking what appears to be baby talk. And most of us guys deny that we do such things. We are too manly for that and that is why I am not going to tell anyone that one of my Secret Languages was just the word “Meep”. Damn, I said it anyway! I used to say “Meep” to my girlfriend in different ways and we both figured out how we felt about each other. Example: Meep, meep meepty meep, MEEP. That could have meant “I love you” depending on how it was said. (Someone is never going to talk to me again!) But I am not the only one out there. I have heard everything from boo-boo, snoodles, izzies-izz, kitty meows, and punkinies! I have no idea what any of them mean. And Skibicki Research has not found any definitions in my updated 1934 dictionary. But, for communication purposes, it works!

But wait! Secret Languages do not stop there. For some reason other than Polish Power, the secret languages get out, and new word are invented for the good or bad of humanity. If you find yourself inventing words, you might want to explain them before you get in trouble. This is probably the origin of our modern day insults. George W. Bush is commonly in trouble about this. He is commonly caught inventing words during Press Conferences. Maybe, that is why Iran is upset with us. One of his invented words means “poop-head” in Iranian? Who knows! But, my dad is also guilty of inventing new words such as the famous “phlonger.” I am only guessing at the spelling here. According to the Skibicki Secret Language that is as old as 1984, a “phlonger” is another name for the T.V. Remote. It is no wonder why my friends did not visit me in High School. They were threatened by Enlightenment!

Anyway, there is one more secret that actually makes a major difference between men and women, because translation gets lost very easily. I have noticed that when men compliment women, they deny that whole thing. We really did mean it. It was not, in fact, a joke. It is one of the few times we really are not lying. So be happy about any compliments you receive, ladies. As for why you may doubt us, it might be how us guys compliment each other. WE DON’T! Insults are the best compliments to us guys on a guy-to-guy level. We are only limited to one complimentary word in the dictionary, which is “handsome”. Just remember that guys act oppositely together than when with girls. When we say to each other “I hate you” it means you are a cool friends. If we say “I hate you” to women, we mean that. Sorry!

In either case, if it takes a secret language to make everyone happy, maybe we should all learn Latin or something. Because the “snoodles” scares me. Meep!

Skibicki

I was sitting in a local bar the other night watching a rerun of a race on TV when I heard another stupid question. They seem to follow me? A lady at the bar proceeded, out loud, to ask why the drivers in the race always turned left. This is a point where you really what to said something or possibly toss a beer mug in that direction, but that might spill my beer. Besides, her boyfriend answered it for me saying: “Because the track is a CIRCLE!!!!!” I mean, they could turn right, but walking away from hitting a wall at 200 MPH does not happen too often. So that seemed to end my thought for two more beers and two days of work, when I, myself, wondered why the drivers in nearly all races had to turn left, especially, when most of them are right-handed? So with that in mind, I sent Skibicki Research out to investigate hoping to pin this on the French.

Unfortunately, the French get out of this blame, because racing started in Ancient Greece to appease the God and Goddess. The Greeks had it in mind to build stockcars, but unfortunately did not have the tools and resources, yet. Pretty much, the whole circle track started with Arena Rock Shows, I mean, arenas where, thank God this doesn’t happen anymore, the men would have sprinting races in the nude. This also outlawed women from watching, hence, why girls like the one in the bar never asked this question earlier.

The Romans took over the idea, and started using horses in races without the nudity. This was the true early version of auto racing, because they used the invention of the wheel in chariot races. You remember the races from the movie Ben Hur played by Charleston Heston, which may also be Ben Hur. I think he should be president! This was a cool time in racing, because the middle of the track was not full of beer parties and RVs taking up space. The Romans believed in full entertainment such as gladiator matches where people would kill each other by chopping of each others legs.

The Dark Ages killed racing as well as everything else. Even the beer was stale! The idea of using the wheel was dropped and the only people who seemed to care about racing ended up being the British. And yet, the French still cannot be blamed! We will get them yet! The British King Charles the something, revived horseracing as his personal love. He started all sorts of horseracing that is falls short of the Indianapolis 500, but was effective for the time being.

It wasn’t until a couple of wars, and a Civil War to dropkick the wonderful world of the United States of America into existence when racing started to claim its glory with the invention of the automobile. Now, someone says that the Germans did this first, but Skibicki Research did not find that, so thus, it does not exist. A man by the name of Ford invented his car, and soon after, auto racing began. They begin using horse tracks for the first auto racing tracks. Of course, they always won against the horses. Hence, they measured engine power as horse power! How’s that for knowledge! On a further note, Skibicki Research would like to apologize for having you learn something.

Soon, we started making better a faster cars, better well-paved roads, and racing began to sound more like a Harley-Davidson bike rallies bringing us up-to-date to our current situation where we await like wolves for first accident to occur. And the winner. So now you know now why we turn left! Wait a minute, we don’t! Actually, the important detail I missed was the fact that the British have their steering wheels on the right side of the car, and we don’t, so it is easier to turn left to see our blind spots behind us during the race. So there! That is why!

In either case, I hope you all wanted to know this, because Skibicki Research is pooped from it. You can see what stupid questions do to people. I think that girl was French. Maybe, French-Canadian! Either way, I won!

Skibicki

As I had mentioned earlier last week, I now have another job. Like most jobs, there is always that long transition that you have to endure where you are called the “New Guy” like it’s some Vietnam War movie. “Ah, who cares about him. He’s just the new guy.” And as a “New Guy” I have to worry more about doing things stupid. I still do not know what all my bosses look like. Normally, I would not bothered by this, but once you do all of the receiving junk that I do, I still have to wait for customer pick-up. There might not be any on a particular day, which means I sit around waiting for someone to buy something. That might not happen for a whole eight-hour shift. Scary.

So what does my slight boredom at work have to do with anything. Newspapers! I have read seven full newspapers since I started this job. I never read whole newspapers. But now that I have, I realized that the free press, which cost $2.00 a paper, is running out of ideas and news. Example: Somewhere in Johnstown, NY, researchers discovered that water rises quicker in developed areas than undeveloped. Raise your hand if you heard this before. I read this exact story in the Atlanta Journal Constitution back in high school. Not to show my age, but that was nine years ago. So the people of New York are a little behind, right?

No, I am going to defend them. My theory is that Newspapers are rotating stories every year. We will hear more about the developing areas and how they cause flooding quicker than in the woods where no one notices. It will just be in a paper in Richmond, VA next year. Of course, you can only rotate so many stories. Iraq: The Massive Rotation. It is so easy. Just mention a bombing or Iraqis hating us, and mostly likely no one knows what is true. Really, I think that the press is rotating stories because they are being held back. I bet that they really want to go after China and how threatening it is. Or North Korea. They have probably been itching for it ever since General Tso’s Chicken was introduced to the US. Besides, I know that someone has at least questioned what kind of chicken they use. It can’t be chicken.

During these boring times at work, I also found myself reading women’s magazines. They are on another realm. I discovered that the cover stories are non-existent. I think the best one I saw was “Find His Most Value Square Inch” I know, I know, you guys are wondering what they are talking about, so Skibicki Research look up and down, and all around for that article. My conclusion came to what square inch? They must be mistaken; they meant square inches. Needless to say, I hope that the magazine is not the official way of finding things out, because it is nearly a mission impossible to find anything. Really, I could not read to much into them. It seems that women’s magazines are more like perfume shops than magazines. They need to cut down on the samples.

So what did we learn today? If you miss a story in the newspaper, no need to worry. It will show up again. And women’s magazines are like rat mazes with perfume. Oh, ladies, if you believe the square inch ideal, you might as well consider 40 lbs to be listed as overweight. And, just remember, when all else fails, there is always General Tso’s Chicken.

Skibicki

Well, once again, David T. Skibicki am jobless. And like most people who just realize that they get an unexpected day off, I watched Star Wars. Yes, I am a Geek, but a lot of you are closet geeks. It happens! Of course, I did not plan to watch Star Wars at first. It was after I watched Star Trek, when I got the urge. I am sorry to offend any of you Trekkies out there. I really don’t know what the deal is. In the beginning of each Star Wars, it states: “In a Galaxy far, far away….” Star Trek is not-so- far away. Of course, both raise a few questions? What happens when a ship at Warp 9 hits an uncharted planet? Does the Federation have insurance? Is it Geico?

Either way, the people you should be mad at are the television corporations. During the Star Trek show, they interrupted it with commercials to tell us about Star Wars: Episode III. Darth had many “episodes” in his life. What really got me to watch Star Wars was based on the commercial. Somehow, the one of the darkest events in the whole Star Wars series had a very cheerful commercial. So I felt I should update my last viewing of Star Wars, because I thought I missed something. I was under the impression that the dark side was a bad thing. Spock was screaming that the commercial was, in fact, not logical. So Skibicki Research had to look into it.

It is amazing how much details you can forget in movies you haven’t seen in awhile. I started from the beginning based on the George Lucas’ timeframe. I started watching Luke Skywalker with his 1970’s hairdo. I had to confirm that Darth Vader was a bad boy. Needless to say, nothing changed. The dark side was still as bad and evil as Hillary Clinton and Martha Stewart combined. Besides, Episode III had upgraded to a PG-13 movie. How amazing! I was hoping for a NC-17 version, so I can laugh at all the children who can not see the movie. I am sorry; that was mean. They will never use that NC-17 as a rating. It was better when it was the letter X. At least it sounded evil and sinful.

So I watched all the way through to the slight end of the series, and then had a flash back to 1985, I mean, Episode I. So I had some Star Wars questions. They are more of concerns. I’ll just let it out!

1. If Darth Vader had the dark side on his side, couldn’t he use it to breathe better?
2. If Luke and Leia got it on like what I thought might happen, how could you explain that to you kids?
3. Anakin Skywalker was a strait out creepy character. He probably used the force on her.
4. And to the most bothersome thing, if I ever saw Yoda dish out an ass whipping like that, there would be no way I could wait up for him. He could just walk faster.

Sorry about that. But to make it fair for you Star Wars fans:

1. If Spock was all about logic all of the time, why would he hang out with humans? Stupid is as stupid does.
2. If no man has even been there before, why are they risking Warp 9? Where was Spock to object to that idea?
3. Did Scotty ever fix anything himself?
4. Did the crew ever get annoyed with Data?
5. Why was George Clooney never in any Star Trek movies?
6. Oh, Star Trek: The Next Generation movies are $1.99 at Big Lots in Troy, NY, but I did not tell you all.

Either way, I do look forward to the new Star Wars movie, but if it turns out to be cheerful like the commercial, I am coming after you George! Live long and prosper,

Skibicki

This is an e-mail dedicated to all of the cows in the world making it a better place.

I was sitting at home after a hard day of work when I watched a commercial for California Cows! They had the motto going something like: “A Good Cow is a Happy Cow.” I thought it made sense. And though few people ever think about them, cows are great animals that should be respected. That’s right. Where else can you find in the world an animal that fit well as a platter at your average dinner table? If you say chicken, that does not count. Chickens are dirty, dirty animals. In either case, cows have it made. And according to the commercial, California Cows are a way to go. Personally, I think it is another addition to the campaign to actually care about California. It is not working.

I would like to introduce my first experience with live cows. Otherwise, it was the first steak dinner I had in Florida when I gained teeth. I found myself being forced into camp at Berry College known as Camp Winshape. It was a youth camp designed for fun sponsored by none other than Chick-Fil-A. They had owned a mountain behind Berry College, which is in North Georgia in the city of Rome, Georgia. You can almost hear the dueling banjos outside of the camp. It either case, it was great. Where else can you go that better preserves the livelihood of cows other than Chick-Fil-A? They actually had cows on campus. That may give you an idea about the surrounding area. I remember it as clear as day. I was walking over to the tennis courts where Ross Cathy, Truett Cathy’s grandson or grandson of the founder of Chick-Fil-A, was waiting to beat my ass in that gentleman’s game. I had to stop, because of the cows that did not “moo” as often as I thought they should have. So I went to pet one of the happy cows. It was at this point, another happy cow, not from California, came over and licked my leg.

It was strange, but it happened. Cows have tongues like sandpaper, and I wasn’t sure if I should file charges for sexual harassment. I thought that it was just too bad I liked beef, because cows are very friendly. But needless to say, I would have more adventures with cows. I still laugh at the campaign that Chick-Fil-A has telling us to eat more chicken.

I decided one Spring Break at Coastal Carolina University to go with my friend, Brian Bailey. Reason, he was from Marietta, Ohio, and I was from Marietta, Georgia. So we thought that was cool. Unfortunately, he ruined the idea with the fact, he was really from Belpre, Ohio. That is very similar to Michael Jackson saying he is still Black! What struck me as interesting was where his house was that he was completely surrounded by cows! They mooed at us as we arrived! Crazy. The crazy thing was watching the cows as I ate hamburgers in their kitchen. The cows watched us. Lucky for me that the cows were dairy cows. They do not seem to mind too much.

That was the first time I was surrounded by cows.

The second time occurred during the Great Flood, I mean, Hurricane Floyd. As I got to my second semester of college, a rather large hurricane stirred up forcing the local residence to bring up Hurricane Hugo, again. It is a constant event. Hurricanes equals Hugo stories! After living there for six years, I was hoping that a Category 17 hurricane would hit South Carolina just to get them off the Hugo subject. In either case, I was forced to leave the area, I was upset about this, because I was willing to watch a hurricane throw my 98 Honda Civic/Go-Kart into my second-story dorm. It would have been a neat way to go? So I took my later-to-be-girlfriend, Denise with me to go to Greenville, SC. It is amazing how green it really is! When we got to our exit, I needed to go to the bathroom, so I stopped at the local Fountain Inn, SC CVS. It was surrounded by cows in the middle of nowhere. I am not sure why. To top it off, I also had to get a key just to use the bathroom with a wooden block attached to it like I was going to steal it. It also had a combination lock, too. Maybe, it was a secret military base?

So as you can see, I have a lot to say about cows. As Skibicki Research goes, I have to tell you that cows are very useful. They supply food in the form of beef and liver. They supply us with milk for our habit on drinking Chocolate milk. And no, there are no chocolate milk cows! Also, we use them for cheese, mushrooms (cow dung), Soil (Also Cow dung), live lawn mowers, Gateway Computer boxes, Car Seat Covers, and Chick-Fil-A campaigns. So there is a lot of uses for cows. And for all of those cow-lovers out there, they are also responsible for the development of Chocolate! Other uses are cow-tipping, bullfights, and decoration. What Skibicki Research also shows is that Florida recently has the most cows finally beating Texas. Now, if they can only beat the Hispanic and Old People population? It happens! So whether it is “Beef: It what’s for dinner” or owning a happy cow from California, Mooooooooooo!

Skibicki

Today, I walked into a CVS to get a my film developed at a record time at the One Hour Photo Lab. How quick was it? It took the one lady a total of twenty minutes to do that! I was simply amazed about it. And it is moments like these that remind me why I bother to write e-mails like this! Of course, like most places that sell food and drugs that can knock out a horse, I was compelled to go to my favorite section of the store: the Tabloids. Where else can you really get entertainment in News such as there! As usual, I look for the shocking ones that make me laugh. My favorite still to this day was “Two Hundred-Foot Jesus Appears In Washington DC!” But there was an article in it today that hit me personally. There was a guy in it that had written a book about Nebraska. Why? He states in the local tabloids that Nebraska, in fact, does not exist. It starts with the question: Do you know anyone from Nebraska? Please, don’t think too hard! So I started asking my friends. No one knew anyone from Nebraska. The only record of this state is the Huskers that beat up some teams in football, and that Bruce Springsteen came out with an album called “Nebraska.” So where is this state, and what tourists traps await us there?

With those concerning questions on our minds, I decided to look to Skibicki Research the answers. As the story goes, Nebraska was last seen heading south in the middle of the country, also known as the Midwest. The Midwest was once referred to as the West back in the day before the discovery of mountain climbing. Either way, according to the internet, the state of Nebraska has all the works for being a state. It has a capital and a constitutional government that taxes the few residence of six! They also have their own State Flag, which is a flag. The good news is that they even added extra features to impress the few tourists accidentally lost themselves on their way to Florida. They have two State Mottos, instead of one. They call it “The Cornhusker State” and “The Tree Planting State”! I can see questions! A cornhusker is a person who harvests corn. Of course, every state has lots of corn fields. I guess Nebraska is just a corny state, Ha, Ha! Sorry! Also the “Tree Planting State!” I can understand questioning this. Every time you see the Midwest, it is just a large never-ending field! Tornado Factor! Besides, State Mottoes never make sense like Georgia being the Peach State. I still have never seen a peach grow in Georgia. Of course, they did fight off so other states to get the State Tree as the American Elm! It was a light Tornado Season.

Either way, they do have such quality features such as the State Flower: the goldenrod a.k.a. possible ragweed! They have their State Bird, which is the meadow lark. The even went as far as to have a State Grass on behalf of the lost tourists: Little Bluestem. They actually picked a grass! Their State Insect is the Honey Bee. I have to object to that! I have seen them before. That can’t be their’s! I suggest that the other states look into this. They are also the only known state to claim the Channel Catfish as the State Fish. Nebraska also has a State Soil. It is not worth mentioning further than that! Their State Soft Drink is Kool-Aid! I did not know that was considered a Soft Drink. They also have a State Beverage: Milk! That explains the Soft Drink. They have a State Fossil: The Mammoth, which was also last seen heading south! Pretty much, that was all the information that Skibicki Research can come up with. The guy who wrote the extremely short essay about the missing Nebraska. It has been found by The Grateful Dead, which played a concert I have in the early seventies. Needless to say, they have no idea how they got there. What a strange trip that had to have been!

Whether Nebraska exists or not, some tabloids have some true to them. This one mentioned a woman who had a two hundred pound tumor removed. So people say that that would be impossible, but it made it on the Health Channel while I was living in Atlanta. So now, I have to question whether there is a Nebraska or not. Maybe, that is where the US military lost the Weapons of Mass Destruction! Just watch out for Nebraska!

Skibicki

Well, I have to say that each time I watch T.V., I am amazed of the Human Race. As usual, I was wa watching College basketball when the game was interrupted by commercials. Normally, this slightly annoys me, but then, I saw it. There is a commercial for the “Geek Squad”! I am not making this up! I should get an advertisement cut in pay for mentioning it! So what is the Geek Squad? Well, this is another social event that proves that we are all going to become computer geeks. The Geek Squad is like the UPS of computer mechanics. The commercial shows them using GPS signals to locate computer problems within the Northern Hemisphere. They just have not found my Portrait Studio computers yet. Bastards. Of course, there also may be no hope for my computers anyway? Either case, it is great, they all put on their glasses practically loosing it over a possible system failure, and jumping into new Volkswagen Bugs speeding to the quote-unquote “Scene of the Crime.” They even carry badges like they were in the show Dragnet! Crazy! But in a way, it was cool. We can now respect the nerds of our generation. It can be a good thing.

So as I looked at this commercial, I thought of how cool the human race has moved from the early years of the Caveman to the prospering society of what we are today. Or have we? We did elect Bush? As much as I may want our world to change, there are still some main things that us humans still do. We are creatures of habit. I found that the reason we do not really move ahead as far as the Alien Races that fell into the Area 51 Tourist Trap is based on our habits. I want everyone who reads this to do something for fun. Go to a Wal-Mart food court, which have all turned into Dunkin’ Donuts up here, and watch the customers. It is great! When I am at work, I have to hand out fliers when I am not taking pictures for advertising. What Skibicki Research has found is that we all still migrate. Laugh, if you will but it is true! If you ever worked a retail job, you always noticed that you had waves of people. It is not an accident. While I was passing out fliers, I learned that if the first person in a group says “no” to a flier, the rest of the group will also, even if no one knows each other. It works the same with yawns and the shopping isles at the grocery store. Of course, it is more noticeable when the grocery stores are designed correctly. I used to go the opposite way just to mess with people.

So what did this have to do with the Geek Squad? Not a thing, but it was fun to mention anyway. At first, I thought the “Geek Squad” was just a joke for the company. There is no way they would actually own a brand new Volkswagen Bug! It is not like they are Batman. “Quick, to the Geek Mobile!” But then, I was cut off by one on the way to work. They do exist and drive like Bats out of Hell! It was rather surprising, but I guess it could happen. I was just hoping that it was heading to my Portrait Studio to fix my computer. They might have a tool for it, but I would suggest using a hammer. I still have my Super-Duper, Heat-Seeking, Never-Missing, Aerodynamic, Light-Weight, Ultra Skibicki Hammer in reserve for such an event. I mean, it worked for my first car! Why not?

So if you are having trouble with your computer, and the hammer is not working, call the Geek Squad! Maybe, they can get great discounts on new Volkswagen Bugs. In either case, I want my cut for this advertisement!

Skibicki

So you thought I was down and out, but as the story goes, the only thing that is certain is Death and Taxes. So it brings great terror to remind you all of our favorite American duty: Taxes. Everywhere across the country, people are collecting paper work for the big government bite. It is a fun subject to talk about, but the big question stands on why we pay taxes. As the usual explanation goes, it is to pay our government to keep running so we can pay for happy things such as Postal Workers. And who can forget the DMV. Yes, us Americans have the power to provide ourselves with services that we usually hate. It is in Human Nature to do hateful things to ourselves. Which brings us to the IRS, better known as the Blood Sucking Mosquitoes, I mean, Internal Revenue Service. Every year, We, the people pay the IRS. But as Skibicki research shows, there was always something funny about those guys.Question: Can you name all of the people you know that are IRS Agents?

As we all know, there is only one place to find IRS agents: that is at their office. The Government probably uses the Witness Protection Agency to get them out of the building. But there is a reason we do not like them, it just does not seem right that we pay them. So Skibicki Research went further into the IRS. Historically, if there is one thing that the South hated the North for was taxes. Back in the day, the Southerners had issues before the Civil War over large tariffs. Too the surprise to most people, there was another reason to fight the Civil War for the North other than Slavery. The income tax! It was a wonderful idea to pay for wars and other problems, so President Abraham Lincoln invented the income tax along with the IRS. It was one of two agencies that have stood the test of time. The Pinkertons, a secret service agency that protected the president by sleeping through President Lincoln’s assassination, and the IRS. The funny thing is that the IRS is not really a Government Agency. They are like contractors without an end date! Imagine the surprise to the South when the income tax was introduced! It was like John Kerry when we all found out that he was a Lawyer! Cancel that idea!

In either case, our IRS is listed under the US Treasury Department to make us Americans feel good about pay taxes! Then again, the Secret Service is also in the Treasury Department? Maybe, the DMV is too! The point is that, since we now know that they are not part of the government, can we refuse to pay taxes? The answer is “yes”, though there is a lot of Government resistance on this based on the National Debit, which is a bunch of bills that we seem to owe to other countries and ourselves. I am not sure how that works, but it appears to me that our country is listed as the most Powerful Country in the World. So why can’t we just say there is no National Debt? Death!

Another interesting thing that I learned from those IRS buddies is that there are currently about 99,000 active IRS agents in our country, which seem to be more secretive than the Secret Service. I just always wondered how one becomes an agent with the IRS. After looking up a couple of website, Skibicki Research has no answers about that. I figure that they were given a questionnaire that asked questions like “Are you willing to get shot, stabbed, or paper cuts from those 1040 forms?” or “Do you eat Popcorn with Texas Pete Sauce?” We all assume that it is just a paperwork job, but you have to be a little crazy and willing to go skydiving. It has the same dangers. If you can imagine the first IRS Agent, they were probably all carrying guns. Now, they send paperwork through the Post Office, because Postal Workers won’t stand for violence, unless it is their own! I just imagine an IRS Agent to be like Agent Smith from the movie, The Matrix. He always acted like an IRS Agent! They do not seem to laugh much, but at least there is more personality than a DMV worker!

So that is it! I decided to apply for the IRS. I know it is a death wish, but I need to spice up my life! Just remember that Toy Story 2 theme song: “You Got A Friend In Me!” That way, I won’t have to go Postal on you! Just remember, taxes are your friends.

Skibicki

Hello everyone!I thought I would wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day in advance. It is another one of those holidays that overflow the retail world with a new color scheme! And I am frightened by it! Laugh if you will, but it is a dangerous holiday for us guys, unless you are not single. Even that is not completely safe! So, I am going to say it! Guys, we screwed up! Well, I cannot say that I did! What my fear comes from is all of the single ladies out there on Valentine’s Day. Every year, it would happen like this! I would say Happy Valentine’s Day, and the lady would either hit me or cuss me out about it! At one point, I was sure it was just me, but Skibicki Research came to the rescue! As the research shows, there is a higher percent of relationship break-ups on that day than any other day! Why does this occur? Because there are some stupid males amongst us that pick this holiday to break up! Why not St. Patrick’s Day, so everyone can drink it off?

I remember one day in college at Coastal Carolina University when I was nearly beaten by upset Coastal females. I had pretty much hit a minefield on the Prince Lawn that is in the middle of campus. I did not venture that way to class again. Instead of being rude, I decided to say Happy Wednesday to lighten up things. I had felt so bad after the fact that I had gotten my girlfriend mad at me for not saying Happy Valentine’s Day! So, my Valentine’s Day was just listed as a bad day! But at least 20 of those girls were upset about past breakups as far back as five years! Guys, take note! They remember events better than elephants! Maybe, they are all Republicans!

So, what is Valentine’s Day! According to Skibicki Research, Valentine’s Day came from Roman traditions before their empire fell apart. It was originally from the Festival of Lupercalia dedicated to, go figure, Lupercus! I guess he was the God of Rabbits, not really. Either way, the Romans had an idea of having a Lottery for men. Its winnings: to take whichever lady’s name was drawn from a pile and have sex with her. I am not sure how they got away with that! But it could have added another reason for the potential violence of you young ladies out there! It was later that a Pope, after many possible death threats, made it fair, and made the lottery for both men and women! Which was cool! The unrecorded threats soon stopped! And there was peace then after!

But wait! There is more! Though, many people believed that there was someone beheaded over this day, it did not happen over love, I assure you! In either case, it was thought that during the month of February in the Middle Ages, doves found each other, and fell in love! Skibicki Research has shown that doves are horny nearly all year round. But what does Skibicki Research know anyway? Right ladies! This also convinced us guys to be nice and give during the month of February to the ones they love. Since the Valentine’s Day Festival changed from that Rabbit fellow also happened to be during the same month, it seemed to stick. Valentine’s Day became an official Retail Marketing Holiday! And gardeners everywhere had to keep an extra eye on their rose gardens ever since!

So let me give fair warning! If you are one of those guys that broke up or is considering breaking up with your girlfriend! Stop it! Skibicki Research shows that winter draws out the worst in most people in the cold! If you need help to prevent this event, there are websites devoted to such matters that may even change your mind. It is also a good place to find out how to deal with a break-up whether it happened in 1996 or not! Just remember people, this holiday is about love! Be kind! Be nice! Share the love, man! I’ll come out of the barracks after that day is over!

Skibicki