The Nappy Cat Chronicles » Skibicki

Once Been Bitten By An Eight-Legged Freak!

Skibicki — Tue, 22 Jan 2008 22:24:28 +0000

Well, another adventure happened to me not that long ago where I found myself none other than Urgent Care! Out of all of the dumb things that happened or could have happen on the trips I’ve been on, I was not expecting this. You would have to understand that this adventures was more like an Indiana Jones film. I went to Florida to visit my parents in Land O’Lakes, Florida, a place of as many lakes as you would figure. It was a good trip. My parents live out in the country. Their neighborhood is, in fact, the wilderness full of every animal except squirrels! When I hiked around the area, it resulted in 15 Pygmy Rattlesnakes encounters, who do not rattle. One was tossed at my head my loving brother, Mike. I caught an alligator, which, for anyone wondering since my visit to Florida, is a healthy foot larger! We saw scary fish. My brother and I almost got into a car accident. Mosquitoes are more rampant than the Chinese population and loved me! Yes, the whole trip was filled with danger and was a good vacation!

So about the Urgent Care thing, I went back to the not-so-dangerous New York where I upset an unknown roommate who decided to bite me. I was bitten by a spider! Stupid stuff like this usually happens this way! I had all of the opportunity to have near-death experiences in Florida, Georgia, and South Carolina, but it is New York that decides to take me down! Of course, the spider did not alert me of his presence or did I know he bit. We weren’t exactly speaking to each other!

So this is what happened! I woke up on a Saturday were I saw a possible pimple or bug bite on my arm. This is no big deal to me, because I like to think I have the strength of Chuck Norris! So, I did the normal mucho-manly thing and ignored it. The next day, it started to annoy me! Still I ignored it! It was Monday, when the bite woke me up and said, “Get up, or I’ll kill you!” Okay, it didn’t speak, but the pain was terrible, and my left arm was almost completely red and purple with my veins showing! Alarm bells were ringing! So I went to Urgent Care!

Now, I am going to have to tell you that I lied! I am sorry, but I did not find myself in Urgent Care. I was really in a doctor’s office watching Friends waiting for my turn to find out whether I was losing my arm or not that morning. The fact of the matter is that Urgent Care was closed until 5 PM, so they basically tell me I have to go somewhere else. Maybe, they should drop the Urgent part of their name. Just a thought! So I waited in the doctor’s office for public doctor who was a very scary Korean women who should star in a Kung Fu flick. I expected her to roundhouse kick the venom out of my system! Of course, like most healthcare in our country, Tom Petty says it best, “The waiting is the hardest part!” I got there at 10 AM, but it took until noon for them to check on me. Lucky, I was not dying. “It’s just an arm!” I thought.

But for all of those people out there who have ever experienced severe pain and had to wait for care, we know the wait was worth it for the drugs! First, the doctor, Dr. Zahn, gave me an anti-venom, which I took without question. Never question a lady with a last name that begins with the letter “Z”! After that, she prescribed a drug called Doxycycline! I had to say, this is the most powerful drug I have ever taken! This drug rivals NyQuil! Doxycycline took out, what Dr. Zahn said, was an infection! It took only two hours to change my mostly purple arm back to red! It did not hurt anymore, and I went to work. The problem I later have was fromthe side affects. It said for directions to drink lots of water. If not, these are the side effects: Possible stomach craps, vomiting, emotional problems and some others that did not happen. By the next day, the first two were happening, and by day three, I was having emotional issues. I would feel depressed when people did not buy a shoe in my department or I would get angry at the trashcan in my apartment if I had to change it! The good news is that I got off it, and my arm is cured, so now, I can challenge people to boxing matches or just do normal things. The bad news of spider bites is that my immune systems took a slight vacation to someplace like Bermuda! But it is okay, because I like to think I have the strength of Chuck Norris!

Skibicki

Please. Pass The A1 And Shake Well.

Skibicki — Mon, 14 Jan 2008 01:12:34 +0000

I was at work one recent day when I felt the strong urge to be more manly. It is a strange feeling for us guys to have, but it does happen. And, as strong of a feeling it was, I can honestly say that I have no idea on how it came to me. Sure, most of us guys wonder what it would be like to be in the Strongest Man Contest with the ability to toss fifteen grand pianos into the third story of a three-story building in less than a minute and half. And it was not like I was not moving large pieces of furniture at my job, but I had the feeling. So I decided to do the next simple best thing and went to the grocery store to buy BEEF! You were expecting beer, weren’t you?

Ah, yes! Beef! There is nothing as manly as eating murder, as Dennis Leary once put it. Since the near beginning of time, man has enjoyed eating meat. Back in the day, men would go out in hunting parties to make absurd noises, talk about hunting, and making up stories to tell their wives who didn’t care, until a deer would come long and they would stone it to death. This was before beer and guns. Of course, with the changing times, the modern world, and the Gaming Commission, men, these days, have to settle for places like the grocery store. This has a lot to do with the fact that we can no longer shoot and kill the squirrels tearing at the bird feeders or the cute little cuddly rabbits in the backyard because of a certain group of people we will not mention. I am not walking into that or the animal rights groups.

Fortunately, though, there is hope for us guys. With the invention of grilling like primitive cave beasts and watching the game, the beef market supplies all of our manly needs in the local grocery store such as The Price Chopper, which could certainly be a group of wild beastly men with hatchets! At least, we could imagine this. So I went to the local Beef Department to look at all of the beef that is wrapped in plastic to prevent us guys from cooking it on the spot. I got myself a T-bone steak, the most manly one, and took it to the register to check out.

But something hit me! As I turned around to see what it could have been, I realized that I was missing a key element to my feast. That is right! A1 Sauce! I have not had A1 Sauce in a long time, but it is the perfect thing to have. The A1 Sauce, sometimes confused with A-1-A, a road in Florida and in many Jimmy Buffett songs, was the perfect steak sauce for anything. I should be getting a check for this advertisement any day now. This stuff goes way back into Skibicki History in Tampa, FL. As another hot great night in Florida, my dad did the great routine of grilling steak. And with the steak, we always had the A1 Sauce on the table. There were two reasons for this. One, it was a great thing to read on the table when you had nothing to say. Two, my brother and I were at a younger age where the taste buds rejected anything unless it was candy.

But over the years, my taste buds began to die off, and the A1 Sauce seemed to slowly lose it’s place on the dinner table. This is the sad part. But whenever it did show up, it bought up great dinner memories such as where is the expiration date on this sauce? We had an A1 bottle for at least eleven years, and it was still good. Also, was the discovery that the bottle said to “Shake well”. And with the manliness of age and corniness, my dad would always “shake well” in his seat, because it was A1, and it said too! Maybe, this is why it slowly disappeared over the years.

Either way, with the A1 Sauce and my beef, I must say that Dennis Leary was right! Murder is that good! I feel manly already! Now, if I could only bench-press a Yugo?

Skibicki

P.S. What was that other sauce that actually said “Shake the Bottle” As if anyone would shake something else!

I Admit It! I Am A Bejewelaholic!

Skibicki — Sun, 30 Dec 2007 19:57:03 +0000

Yes, it was another day of a lack of motivation to go out that got me to download the wonderful game of Bejeweled off the internet. Why not, right? It is addictive. It may have not have happened to me, if the people of New York were a little nicer, but what can you do? So I downloaded it, and have been playing everyday. Some people use cocaine, some people gamble, and I play Bejeweled! But it is not my fault completely. The Game Industry has recently in the last few years brought us to the point where there are two types of game categories: Complex games that are realistic to the point that you can shoot terrorists and pay your taxes and games that involve no thought. Bejeweled is one that involves no thought. It is a good thing to some sense. I paid some bills the other day, and completely forgot that I did so after one round of Bejeweled. I just hope I don’t forget where I live!

But I must admit that the games of today are getting too complex. I bought the game The Sims when I was in Myrtle Beach, because I thought it would be fun. It is to some degree. I think the worse part of the game is when you forget to put it on an easier setting. I found out the hard way that none of my Sims were potty trained. So you have to train them, which seems a little sick for a game. It is just as bad as when toy companies introduced the Potty Baby for little girls across America. Who really wants a doll that pees. Don’t answer that! But in the end, it was a let down, because I imagined creating a Sim that represented my boss and having him walk off a cliff. This cannot happen on this game due to the fact that it must take place in the Midwest. Question for you Sims players: Did you notice that there was a lot of Army jobs on that game? Be all you can be!

Of course, still to this day, I love Grand Theft Auto III. For most of us guys, it was a dream come true. Where else can you better have your “what if” scenarios of pure violence? Really, as much as parents hate this game, the best reason to play this game is road rage. At work, I had to set up all of these classes in the store’s auditorium. Most of them were for defensive driving classes, which I think is a big mistake. Let us take Highway 285 loop around Atlanta for example. The speed limit is suppose to be 65 mph. This appears the be the problem. In Atlanta, locals tend to drive 70 to 95 mph on the 285 Loop (this includes the Atlanta Police Department). The defensive driver/tourist goes 55 mph. Then, they wonder why they get hit in the rear, because we all know that they pick the left two lanes instead to the right like they are suppose to. Maybe, we could just be okay with Grand theft Auto a little?

I realize today that I might really like Bejeweled so much is based on it simple 2-D qualities. Whatever happened to 2-D video games? They killed Mario Brothers with 3-D. What fun is that? That is why one of the greatest video games is still Mario Brothers 3. Either way, I am going to get back to Bejeweled. I will write to you all again, if I remember you.

Skibicki

Those Dirty Little Girl Scouts!

Skibicki — Tue, 20 Mar 2007 22:27:02 +0000

Hi! My name is David, and I am a Thin Mintoholic. Every year, or, more recently, every other month in malls everywhere the Girl Scouts of America seem to be hitting up all of the shoppers and workers who, through denial, are addicted to the dreaded Girl Scout Cookie. I should know, because I am one of them. At first, I thought I just really liked those Thin Mint Cookies. Then, later, I found myself craving them. More recently, I found myself buying more of them. And currently, I am to the point of inhaling them. I am beginning to feel like an addict.

After telling one of my few friends about this, he suggested the theory that there are some form of drugs laced with in them. Then, after I stopped listening, he ranted on about a possible Girl Scout Cult much like the cult-classic movie The Wicker Man, but without the whole burning some guy alive deal. I can see that, and maybe, they should burn Nicholas Cage, not to mention the remake! But maybe he was right about the drug thing. They have to be doing something, since the Thin Mint craze seems similar to that whole Chocolate Cravings you ladies get. And I tried to just say “no”. Those drug commercials always make it sound easy to just say “no!”, but are the producers of the commercials on anything? Try saying “No!” to a bunch of cute little girls with the worst marketing skills offering cookies that you can’t buy in your average grocery store. That is what I thought, you can’t! Because once you do, they get upset and a woman built much like Roseanne confronts you for hurting a little girl’s feelings. There is only one thing to do…..buy as many as you can and pray they don’t stake themselves out in front of your workplace or any place you have to go to. So why am I mentioning this? I bought four boxes today, and possibly tipped them with the leftover change! Those boxes only lasted three hours.

So am I not supportive of the Girl Scout Cartel, I mean. of America? Of course I support them! I think I am just upset over the fact that it is competing with my Cheez-It addiction, and friends, that draws the line! So there is only one thing to do, avoid anyone wearing bright green vests, especially if they are not taller than four feet. You can take it a little further, which would mean that some of you will never walk into a Publix again. Deep down inside, I know that at least half of you have the same problem. If there are any ex-Girl Scouts out there, we know what your up to. Just don’t add the Cheez-Its to your campaign, and I will survive!

Skibicki

P.S. There is a shot called “A Dirty Little Girl Scout” that tastes like a Thin Mint Cookie. Bailey’s and Crème de Menthe.

The War On Terror……Possibly.

Skibicki — Mon, 26 Feb 2007 21:29:43 +0000

Well, as scary as the title sounds, there is not that much terror. I am currently fighting a battle that I can say I am winning. The enemy is none other than the basic fruit fly. I have been battling them for a month ever since I bought bananas. I guess that is what you truly get for attempting to eat healthy. There is always a catch. I remember when the news would report certain foods such as eggs were bad for you and could cause this or that disease. Then, the next year, eggs became good. I am sure that there were no articles about bananas and fruit flies.

This is not the first time I have dealt with them. It happened when I lived in Myrtle Beach, SC. There, much like Florida, the bugs go nuclear, hence the mosquito as the state bird! The sad thing is that there are no nuclear facilities near where I lived. Now, I might have been considered a nut ball for doing this, but I assure you it was plain college student male laziness: I used to wash my trash before I threw it out specifically so I wouldn’t have to march the thousand yards to my apartment’s dumpster. So needless to say, laziness builds up to a three hour expedition to the trash compactor. But the main reason for washing trash whether you wait 40 days and nights or two days is the amount of insects in the coastal areas of South Carolina. Just because your pest control agent may spray tons of illegal pesticides that are lethal to cats and dogs, they never account for the flying ones. And in the South, everything flies, including roaches! So you want to be somewhat clean and leave nothing for the little bastards except for Raid.

Well, one day this failed. Not to blame anyone in particular, but my girlfriend decided to eat a can of peaches and forget to be a lazy male college student, which I am glad was not possible for her to begin with, and threw it away skipping the washing process. I came home one night to extra guests. So here is a random tip to avoid buying expensive pest sprays and be enviroment-friendly: Kikkoman Soy Sauce! Not only can you cook stir-fry, but you can rid of pests, such as fruit flies. You just get a shot glass, unless you are using it currently, pour some soy sauce in it, and leave it on the counter nearest to the trashcan. They will respond by drowning themselves. I can tell that some of you maybe grossed out. We’ll just list it under the Living As A Single Guy manual, which I haven’t yet written. Coming soon!

Anyway, back to the task at hand, New York is not know for hit and run nuclear bug tactics, so it was a surprise to see them in December of all times flying in the apartment kitchen. I would like to tell you that this story ends with a happy ending, but I went to Price Chopper to buy a can of Raid. And I lived happily ever after without eating any of the bananas.

Skibicki

Communication Breakdown: Not The Led Zeppelin Song

Skibicki — Thu, 08 Feb 2007 00:29:25 +0000

[In this installment of George Likes Squirrels, a completely wasted Skibicki ponders the language of love.]

Skibicki Research is alive and well in case anyone is worried. And it is back with a vengeance like a Chunk Norris movie bringing more hope in the world for unanswered questions such as “Why is there another Tickle-Me-Elmo?.” Either way, I was having discussion with friends of mine about that bad communication between the sexes. These thoughts always seem to appear after loosening up after some drinking. So sober Skibicki Research is here to tell you that there is hope to understanding each other, and that Men are not from Mars and Women are not from Venus. We really are a little closer than that. It is more like men are from Alabama and women are from New Jersey. That is a scary thought. Really, there are times when I personally witness men and women in relationships actually understand each other without using more than two words in a sentence. I like to call them “Secret Languages” because the only thing that comes close to it is “Morse Code”. And I highly doubt that anyone uses Morse Code in a relationship. If you do, seek help.

So why are these “Secret Languages” so secret? They can be embarrassing. You have all seen it and heard it before where two people are close together speaking what appears to be baby talk. And most of us guys deny that we do such things. We are too manly for that and that is why I am not going to tell anyone that one of my Secret Languages was just the word “Meep”. Damn, I said it anyway! I used to say “Meep” to my girlfriend in different ways and we both figured out how we felt about each other. Example: Meep, meep meepty meep, MEEP. That could have meant “I love you” depending on how it was said. (Someone is never going to talk to me again!) But I am not the only one out there. I have heard everything from boo-boo, snoodles, izzies-izz, kitty meows, and punkinies! I have no idea what any of them mean. And Skibicki Research has not found any definitions in my updated 1934 dictionary. But, for communication purposes, it works!

But wait! Secret Languages do not stop there. For some reason other than Polish Power, the secret languages get out, and new word are invented for the good or bad of humanity. If you find yourself inventing words, you might want to explain them before you get in trouble. This is probably the origin of our modern day insults. George W. Bush is commonly in trouble about this. He is commonly caught inventing words during Press Conferences. Maybe, that is why Iran is upset with us. One of his invented words means “poop-head” in Iranian? Who knows! But, my dad is also guilty of inventing new words such as the famous “phlonger.” I am only guessing at the spelling here. According to the Skibicki Secret Language that is as old as 1984, a “phlonger” is another name for the T.V. Remote. It is no wonder why my friends did not visit me in High School. They were threatened by Enlightenment!

Anyway, there is one more secret that actually makes a major difference between men and women, because translation gets lost very easily. I have noticed that when men compliment women, they deny that whole thing. We really did mean it. It was not, in fact, a joke. It is one of the few times we really are not lying. So be happy about any compliments you receive, ladies. As for why you may doubt us, it might be how us guys compliment each other. WE DON’T! Insults are the best compliments to us guys on a guy-to-guy level. We are only limited to one complimentary word in the dictionary, which is “handsome”. Just remember that guys act oppositely together than when with girls. When we say to each other “I hate you” it means you are a cool friends. If we say “I hate you” to women, we mean that. Sorry!

In either case, if it takes a secret language to make everyone happy, maybe we should all learn Latin or something. Because the “snoodles” scares me. Meep!

Skibicki

Oh Influenza! What I Always Wanted!

Skibicki — Thu, 29 Dec 2005 22:31:05 +0000

Merry Christmas to all you people out there! For me, it was not so merry due to the gift that keeps on giving. Yes, I, David T. Skibicki, caught the flu. I would like to say that it was the bird flu, but the birds here are still healthy, so I guess I can’t be that special. In my happy case, I had the wonderful stomach flu, which made my stomach seem like it was attempting take-off from an airport during a blizzard. Needless to say, it did not leave my body.

The good news from it was the early childhood memory of Mr. T in The A-Team…..oops, wrong memory! I remembered when my childhood friend in Florida named Brice got the flu. Now, I first took it that the flu was the past tense word of “flew” as in he went on a trip in a plane. Hey, I wasn’t the brightest crayon in the box! I figured this based on the fact that you did not see the person. Also, my logic only heard either “He is sick” or “He has the flu.” No one seemed to say that he is sick and has the flu. That was too complex for my small mind. This short sentence tactic was used in the 80′s in parenting to prevent kids’ heads from exploding due to too much information. This may explain the origin of where that irritating childhood phase comes from where kids ask constant questions about everything and anything, and the explanation response is always “Why?” So I asked him after he felt better where he went to? He was confused; I was confused.

So for all of you who are confused about what the flu really is, Dr. Skibicki is here to give you the scientific hoedown! According to some massive research, The flu, also known by it’s real name of influenza is a respiratory infection. On one website, it is known to “Knock you off your feet!” like it was Mike Tyson or something. It symptoms appears to be body aches, chills, dry cough, fever, headache, sore throat, and the stuffy nose that usually brings the Bert and Ernie out in everyone. Needless to say, I guess, I lied! According to Dr. Skibicki, the Stomach flu is not the flu. It is the Diet Coke of the flu. It might even be caffeine-free! Dear God, no! To carry on, you can get the flu as easily as catching a re-run of Law & Order. This can be achieved by hanging out with people who are coughing and sneezing like I did, touching surfaces that are infected, or by doing various things while touching hands with you nose and/or mouth. I am not sure what that means; use your imagination. Mostly, influenza tends to get everyone in large crowds such as schools filled with germed-up heathens. You remember that too, don’t you?! Pretty much, the flu is just like any other sickness you seem to get over and over. There are thousands of different types that you can only get once. Of course, after you get all of the thousands, another thousand or so are made. The battle is never ending.

Like all websites that dedicate themselves to our seasonal friend, they say that you can prevent it by taking a flu shot. I say Tylenol Flu & Cold! Somehow, I hear it in every work place where the employees every year can have an appointment to let sick, evil nurses with needles stick you with none other than influenza! And every year, half of those people get sick like instant coffee! The word of the game is that they inject you with so-called “dead” flu viruses. This, in turn, tells the other viruses to avoid this human being, because his or her white blood cells are psycho killers and had already murdered their kind. It is the same theory about going into Newark after dark. It has already been established that if you are white, nice, wearing anything brighter than black, listen to Britney Spears, or own anything nice, you probably should not go there. Unfortunately, the nurses have the flu before that is injected into your body, thus giving you the flu! It happens.

I guess my only real complaint is that it always had bad timing. I have always had bad timing for sickness. On my last day of school in 7th grade, I was too sick, thus leaving my yearbook with no signatures of people I still don’t talk to today. I got sick on my birthday a couple of times. Now, I have been sick for Christmas. I have been sick for Thanksgiving. And I get sick a lot on sunny days during the summer, because I am special that way. The only thing I can say about getting sick that is good is watching who else gets it from you. I never know who I get it from, but it is good to share my gifts amongst friends. Oh, by the way, happy wedding anniversary, Mike Blum! That is what you get for making fun of me in my sick pain at work! Just say sorry to your wife for me.

Since I can still infect people, I am sorry in advance. They said nothing about networking. Have a great New Year, and send this to you friends or enemies! To Your Health,

Skibicki

P.S. According to Dr. Skibicki, I had Viral Gastroenteritis aka V-MasterG!

The Stress Busters

Skibicki — Mon, 19 Dec 2005 22:34:46 +0000

With the wonderful world of Christmas threatening our flanks, stress has been a big issue for all of you holiday shoppers. And it is worse if you work in retail such as myself! But there is hope according to my job at Boscov’s! Yes, another memo from the Capital BlueCross as been issued about the very problem of STRESS, the King Kong of all retail problems. I actually had to fight hundreds of coworkers to get myself a copy of this memo, and I got a paper cut for it!

The title is “Stress-Busting Tips.” Pretty cheesy! Since I know you are all dying to find out how to defeat the stress in our lives, especially around Christmas time, here it is!

Don’t go out, EVER! Just kidding. That really is not on the memo!
Try Some Deep Breathing: Now, this seems silly to do, but they believe this works. Unfortunately, for some of us retail workers, the reality is that we are always breathing deeply. Some of us might consider this a dangerous move, because they might not be able to breathe! But they suggest that you breathe in for five seconds and then to slow exhale your stress away. So my conclusion is that air equals stress, right? So maybe, we should just stop breathing all together.
Take a Mental Health Break: HAHAHAHA! I am sorry, but there are people I work with that are on a permanent mental break! The idea is to have time for yourself to do the things you love, such as being off from work, reading a book, writing in a journal, painting, playing with your G.I. Joe collection, or gardening. Question: What can you plant under five inches of snow?
Remove The Clutter In Your Life: This one is my favorite one, because it suggests to you to go clean something like your house or your work place. If cleaning at work was a stress relief, I would suggest everyone to work at a Boscov’s, because I would be 100% stress-free!
Plan Ahead: This is one that is for you shoppers out there! Just remember that 99.9999999999% of drivers out Christmas shopping are jerks, and you will be able to plan ahead from there.
Laughter Is The Best Medicine: For some people, this is like pulling teeth and I am not a dentist. Yes, laughter does wonders! Joking around, and reading comics are great. The memo even mentions I Love Lucyreruns..? Laughter is the last line of stress defense that prevents you from coming to work with an Uzi. Somehow, this was on the list as number 7:
Cleaning still overrides fun!
Be Good To Your Body: Exercise and diet. That is what work it for!
Create Peaceful Mental Images: Such as compacting your boss in a cardboard baler……No, they say that imagining being somewhere else is a great idea. You may have seen someone actually do this at work and made fun of them because they were staring at the wall drooling pretending that they were at The Neverland Ranch. They suggest that we imagine our favorite places such as our beds or your favorite park, favorite vacation spot, or McDonald’s. It all works! Be creative!

But like all memos that give me paper cuts that stress me all day, there is nothing more. That is it for Stress-busting. If you know of where any stress is located, call the Stress Busters at 1-800-S-BUSTER. Have a less stressful day!

Skibicki

The Darkside Of North Pole

Skibicki — Mon, 19 Dec 2005 22:32:40 +0000

Well, to all of you wonderful Pink Floyd fans out there, I discovered another Pink Floyd release other than Roger Water’s new opera. I know it sounds crazy, but Pink Floyd released a Christmas album over the satellite airwaves of my local retail store. At least, that is what I think it is. I took me a couple of weeks to figure out why I was stressing so much at work when I notice amongst the fifty versions of “Jingle Bell Rock” that there was an organ solo in the middle of the song along with ticking clock noise that sounded similar to Pink Floyd’s “Time”. It figures! I think that the record companies are now illegally creating Christmas music for the holidays. If David Gilmour was singing in the song, someone must have kicked a field goal between his legs. This is terrible to the music fans everywhere. I heard a Christmas song done by The Pretenders yesterday. Christmas Music must be stopped before it is too late! Or else we might hear Blink-182 attempt Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer!

I will be honest. I don’t really hate Christmas music. It is just that everyone covers the same song too often. There are at least 200 “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” covers rotating on the airwaves. Two of them I like. Of course, that song is kind of creepy now that I listen to it. Santa has got to be a stalker. “He knows when you are sleeping; he knows when you’re awake?” He must be part of the Patriot Act.

There are some good Christmas songs, but due to retail guidelines, which have the strangest sales promotions this year, will not allow such sing-a-long classics such as AC/DC’s “A Mistress For Christmas” or The Who’s “Christmas.” Yes, retail stores are strange about stuff like that. That is why they have to make up these strange Christmas sales; they have to replace the cool music with them. This week, my store had a sale where you have to buy a certain amount of stuff to buy other stuff that you just can’t straight out buy. I laugh at this, but what can you do? My only complaint is that they should interweave the Christmas music with regular music. I don’t think they will ever consider, so they should just let it stay in church instead.

Here is the reason for the last statement: Other than caring whether Christmas is forced down the throats to other religions, I think that Christmas music sounds the best in church. The main reason is that everyone is singing them. And when everyone sings it together with our equally worthless talents of singing, somehow, a miracle occurs. It comes out good. For you church goers, you know how this works. Every-so-often you can catch everyone singing in a church on TV, where everything sounds great, but we all know there are bad singers amongst them. Every time I’ve gone to church, there are three types of people you can always hear in the crowd above all others. First, there is the fat lady that has an extremely high vibrating voice that usually has at least two or three people laughing. Next, there are the less noticeable flat singers that sound like Ben Stein. Finally, there are the people who couldn’t carry a tune if they actually could physically hold it. These people usually sound like they are killing kittens. If these people weren’t there singing, we might have had been the background chorus for Pink Floyd’s The Wall. Okay, maybe not.

If any musicians are reading this, make up your own Christmas songs. And if you are a guy, don’t attempt to sing “Santa Baby” without clarifying that Santa Baby is a girl. It really disturbed me at work! And while you are being creative, write a Kwanzaa song while you are at it! Happy Merry Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa Whatever!

Skibicki

P.S. Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg!

PMS And Ways To Avoid It At Work.

Skibicki — Fri, 18 Nov 2005 22:43:15 +0000

As today’s topic runs loose, I would like to say that this has nothing to do with you ladies and periods, which to us men are more of explanation mark than period. I went though a hard day at work when I kept dealing with ridiculous calls from those people most of us know as Upper Management. Of course, when I mean “ridiculous”, this means that it has nothing to do with my job or it’s description. Yes, my managers had PMS, also known as: Pissed-off Managers Syndrome. This is very common in the Retail World and is expected to get worse as the Christmas season approaches. Hey, maybe you will experience PMS from a manager of a store you are shopping in! And for you managers out there that deny this problem, you are only lying to yourselves.

So what causes PMS? What is it about? And what important tips exist that enable us to avoid experiencing such things? Well, to all the readers out there that have a boss, there is good news! There are ways to avoid the stress behind PMS. The first way is how to identify PMS with your manager or boss. There are some people that believe that PMS is an everyday event, but I assure you that that kind of boss is strictly psycho! While the true reason behind PMS is trivial, there is a strong chance that it involves stressful situations such as deadlines and visitors. Then again, they could just be upset at the world for cancelling Barney the Dinosaur from his normal airtime. Really, this is all a waste of time to figure out, because research indicates that more research is a waste of effort, so let’s will skip to the signs of PMS.

The first signs of Pissed-off Manager Syndrome are as follows (though, they can be tricky). One: They say they have PMS! Two: Your manager/boss expects you to break world record work times such as doing an inventory of the whole warehouse in less than fifteen minutes. Three: Your manager/boss is stuck on repeat and asks you to do the same thing more than five times after it has been done. Four: They have pointless meetings. Five: They are dressed so differently that he or she seems to be experiencing a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde moment. Be wary of male managers that wear yellow to work! For more information, look it up in your employee handbook. Of course, one must realize that to find out whether or not your boss has PMS, you have to experience it first thing. Unfortunately, the government of United States has not given me a federal grant to start an early warning system that would be as effective as the tornado warning system. You will just have to bite the bullet or hear it through the grapevine from other coworkers. Angry coworkers are a good warning detections that something bad is on the loose like an IRS agent or that old lady that always seems to want to start kickboxing matches with every employee based off of that phase “The Customer is always right!” If that were true, I would own at least three mansions! Anyway, usually, there is nothing you can do to stop PMS from coming, except to call out from work.

But with all these tell tale signs, we can only pray work will go well. Wrong! That is a bad way to think, people! How to beat PMS with your Upper Management experiences it is to prepare yourself. To avoid possible PMS situations: 1. Be productive! Most managers will not bother you even if you look productive like counting inventory items. I worked with a guy named Warren who, for a half hour, was ignored by management, because he looked productive. He was counting ants! 2. Avoid wearing bright colors. This is important, because I see it all of the time. Someone always comes in wearing something bright, and they are the ones who are asked all of the questions and doing all of the work. Note: this actually only happens if you boss leaves the office. 3. Avoid contact at all costs! That is just a given! 4. If you must be confronted my a manager or boss with PMS, stay cool. This means, don’t talk, don’t move, listen, and try not to breathe. The breathing part is a hard one, but when they see you change colors, they will surely leave you be or let you pass out. 5. Have a plan. If you have a plan at work, you avoid possible interruptions, because you have a plan. This is why the Japanese military generals never bothered to evacuate any cities when Godzilla showed up, because the police always had a plan. 6. Smile! Smiling can do a few things for your PMS buddy. It could brighten his or her day, annoy them enough so they leave you alone, or scare them into thinking something is wrong with you. By the length of this post, you can tell what my smiles usually do.

The key thing is to try to blow it off when management goes berserk! Even though it happens at least twice a week, remember that you can say that you conquered the day. If not, you always have the dartboard with your boss’ face on it!

Skibicki

P.S. Definitions:

Deadlines: A time when something is suppose to be done that helps production, but nobody really knows for sure.
Visitors: These could be either aliens or management at a district level. Either way, they are one and the same
Godzilla: The King Of All Monsters.
Barney the Dinosaur: An unfortunate creature that was hopefully eaten by Godzilla.