The Nappy Cat Chronicles

I was at work one recent day when I felt the strong urge to be more manly. It is a strange feeling for us guys to have, but it does happen. And, as strong of a feeling it was, I can honestly say that I have no idea on how it came to me. Sure, most of us guys wonder what it would be like to be in the Strongest Man Contest with the ability to toss fifteen grand pianos into the third story of a three-story building in less than a minute and half. And it was not like I was not moving large pieces of furniture at my job, but I had the feeling. So I decided to do the next simple best thing and went to the grocery store to buy BEEF! You were expecting beer, weren’t you?

Ah, yes! Beef! There is nothing as manly as eating murder, as Dennis Leary once put it. Since the near beginning of time, man has enjoyed eating meat. Back in the day, men would go out in hunting parties to make absurd noises, talk about hunting, and making up stories to tell their wives who didn’t care, until a deer would come long and they would stone it to death. This was before beer and guns. Of course, with the changing times, the modern world, and the Gaming Commission, men, these days, have to settle for places like the grocery store. This has a lot to do with the fact that we can no longer shoot and kill the squirrels tearing at the bird feeders or the cute little cuddly rabbits in the backyard because of a certain group of people we will not mention. I am not walking into that or the animal rights groups.

Fortunately, though, there is hope for us guys. With the invention of grilling like primitive cave beasts and watching the game, the beef market supplies all of our manly needs in the local grocery store such as The Price Chopper, which could certainly be a group of wild beastly men with hatchets! At least, we could imagine this. So I went to the local Beef Department to look at all of the beef that is wrapped in plastic to prevent us guys from cooking it on the spot. I got myself a T-bone steak, the most manly one, and took it to the register to check out.

But something hit me! As I turned around to see what it could have been, I realized that I was missing a key element to my feast. That is right! A1 Sauce! I have not had A1 Sauce in a long time, but it is the perfect thing to have. The A1 Sauce, sometimes confused with A-1-A, a road in Florida and in many Jimmy Buffett songs, was the perfect steak sauce for anything. I should be getting a check for this advertisement any day now. This stuff goes way back into Skibicki History in Tampa, FL. As another hot great night in Florida, my dad did the great routine of grilling steak. And with the steak, we always had the A1 Sauce on the table. There were two reasons for this. One, it was a great thing to read on the table when you had nothing to say. Two, my brother and I were at a younger age where the taste buds rejected anything unless it was candy.

But over the years, my taste buds began to die off, and the A1 Sauce seemed to slowly lose it’s place on the dinner table. This is the sad part. But whenever it did show up, it bought up great dinner memories such as where is the expiration date on this sauce? We had an A1 bottle for at least eleven years, and it was still good. Also, was the discovery that the bottle said to “Shake well”. And with the manliness of age and corniness, my dad would always “shake well” in his seat, because it was A1, and it said too! Maybe, this is why it slowly disappeared over the years.

Either way, with the A1 Sauce and my beef, I must say that Dennis Leary was right! Murder is that good! I feel manly already! Now, if I could only bench-press a Yugo?

Skibicki

P.S. What was that other sauce that actually said “Shake the Bottle” As if anyone would shake something else!

Yes, it was another day of a lack of motivation to go out that got me to download the wonderful game of Bejeweled off the internet. Why not, right? It is addictive. It may have not have happened to me, if the people of New York were a little nicer, but what can you do? So I downloaded it, and have been playing everyday. Some people use cocaine, some people gamble, and I play Bejeweled! But it is not my fault completely. The Game Industry has recently in the last few years brought us to the point where there are two types of game categories: Complex games that are realistic to the point that you can shoot terrorists and pay your taxes and games that involve no thought. Bejeweled is one that involves no thought. It is a good thing to some sense. I paid some bills the other day, and completely forgot that I did so after one round of Bejeweled. I just hope I don’t forget where I live!

But I must admit that the games of today are getting too complex. I bought the game The Sims when I was in Myrtle Beach, because I thought it would be fun. It is to some degree. I think the worse part of the game is when you forget to put it on an easier setting. I found out the hard way that none of my Sims were potty trained. So you have to train them, which seems a little sick for a game. It is just as bad as when toy companies introduced the Potty Baby for little girls across America. Who really wants a doll that pees. Don’t answer that! But in the end, it was a let down, because I imagined creating a Sim that represented my boss and having him walk off a cliff. This cannot happen on this game due to the fact that it must take place in the Midwest. Question for you Sims players: Did you notice that there was a lot of Army jobs on that game? Be all you can be!

Of course, still to this day, I love Grand Theft Auto III. For most of us guys, it was a dream come true. Where else can you better have your “what if” scenarios of pure violence? Really, as much as parents hate this game, the best reason to play this game is road rage. At work, I had to set up all of these classes in the store’s auditorium. Most of them were for defensive driving classes, which I think is a big mistake. Let us take Highway 285 loop around Atlanta for example. The speed limit is suppose to be 65 mph. This appears the be the problem. In Atlanta, locals tend to drive 70 to 95 mph on the 285 Loop (this includes the Atlanta Police Department). The defensive driver/tourist goes 55 mph. Then, they wonder why they get hit in the rear, because we all know that they pick the left two lanes instead to the right like they are suppose to. Maybe, we could just be okay with Grand theft Auto a little?

I realize today that I might really like Bejeweled so much is based on it simple 2-D qualities. Whatever happened to 2-D video games? They killed Mario Brothers with 3-D. What fun is that? That is why one of the greatest video games is still Mario Brothers 3. Either way, I am going to get back to Bejeweled. I will write to you all again, if I remember you.

Skibicki

[In this installment of George Likes Squirrels, a completely wasted Skibicki ponders the language of love.]

Skibicki Research is alive and well in case anyone is worried. And it is back with a vengeance like a Chunk Norris movie bringing more hope in the world for unanswered questions such as “Why is there another Tickle-Me-Elmo?.” Either way, I was having discussion with friends of mine about that bad communication between the sexes. These thoughts always seem to appear after loosening up after some drinking. So sober Skibicki Research is here to tell you that there is hope to understanding each other, and that Men are not from Mars and Women are not from Venus. We really are a little closer than that. It is more like men are from Alabama and women are from New Jersey. That is a scary thought. Really, there are times when I personally witness men and women in relationships actually understand each other without using more than two words in a sentence. I like to call them “Secret Languages” because the only thing that comes close to it is “Morse Code”. And I highly doubt that anyone uses Morse Code in a relationship. If you do, seek help.

So why are these “Secret Languages” so secret? They can be embarrassing. You have all seen it and heard it before where two people are close together speaking what appears to be baby talk. And most of us guys deny that we do such things. We are too manly for that and that is why I am not going to tell anyone that one of my Secret Languages was just the word “Meep”. Damn, I said it anyway! I used to say “Meep” to my girlfriend in different ways and we both figured out how we felt about each other. Example: Meep, meep meepty meep, MEEP. That could have meant “I love you” depending on how it was said. (Someone is never going to talk to me again!) But I am not the only one out there. I have heard everything from boo-boo, snoodles, izzies-izz, kitty meows, and punkinies! I have no idea what any of them mean. And Skibicki Research has not found any definitions in my updated 1934 dictionary. But, for communication purposes, it works!

But wait! Secret Languages do not stop there. For some reason other than Polish Power, the secret languages get out, and new word are invented for the good or bad of humanity. If you find yourself inventing words, you might want to explain them before you get in trouble. This is probably the origin of our modern day insults. George W. Bush is commonly in trouble about this. He is commonly caught inventing words during Press Conferences. Maybe, that is why Iran is upset with us. One of his invented words means “poop-head” in Iranian? Who knows! But, my dad is also guilty of inventing new words such as the famous “phlonger.” I am only guessing at the spelling here. According to the Skibicki Secret Language that is as old as 1984, a “phlonger” is another name for the T.V. Remote. It is no wonder why my friends did not visit me in High School. They were threatened by Enlightenment!

Anyway, there is one more secret that actually makes a major difference between men and women, because translation gets lost very easily. I have noticed that when men compliment women, they deny that whole thing. We really did mean it. It was not, in fact, a joke. It is one of the few times we really are not lying. So be happy about any compliments you receive, ladies. As for why you may doubt us, it might be how us guys compliment each other. WE DON’T! Insults are the best compliments to us guys on a guy-to-guy level. We are only limited to one complimentary word in the dictionary, which is “handsome”. Just remember that guys act oppositely together than when with girls. When we say to each other “I hate you” it means you are a cool friends. If we say “I hate you” to women, we mean that. Sorry!

In either case, if it takes a secret language to make everyone happy, maybe we should all learn Latin or something. Because the “snoodles” scares me. Meep!
Skibicki

My dad and I were having a problem the other night. An issue had arisen in the living room of the apartment we are sharing. I was already reaping the benefits of the last Samuel Adams’ commercials while sharing my feelings on a survey at North Point Mall. I got $15 dollars off of them!

The issue was about hops. What in the hell is a hop? Recently, Samuel Adams beer has been campaigning giving the feel that their beer is a traditional thing. I just wondered what happened to the “Samuel Adams: Always a Good Decision!”

They have this new commercial where they explain how they pick out the best hops for their beer. They show these farmers pulling on big green seed pods that look like something from Mars. NASA: explain! They even delve further into the love towards the happy little hops. They show a guy who starts sniffing them like it was cocaine, which made me wonder what I was really drinking when I drank Killian’s Irish Red.

So, back to the problem at hand. What is a hop? This issue actually bothered my dad so much that he got out his “Good Old Friend”, the dictionary. As luck would have it, it was a VERB! So the plot thins! Not to point out anything in particular, but you must realize the age of my dad’s “Old Friend”. The dictionary he used happens to be in my earliest years of childhood. I don’t even think it says “Old Dictionary.” I used imagine that this particular dictionary was in print when Moses was around. He may have even used it to look up certain words that God used. So pretty much, my dad concluded that if hops were not in his dictionary, they did not exist! Skateboards do not exist either. My curiosity was not fulfilled, so I went to a more recent dictionary. Apparently, my dad’s dictionary was not far from the truth. Yet, another VERB!

So in my search for useless knowledge, I went to the internet. I must say that I was impressed. Five different universities were doing research as a early as 1997 under federal grants. The government was wondering what a hop is. The research was interesting to read about, but there were no true answers to what a hop is. Some researchers where convinced it was the seed-like pods. Others seem to give credit to name the whole plant. Either way, I think I will hop over to the bar and ponder it over a Samuel Adams.

Skibicki

It occurred to me the other day after nearly breaking my hand at work that almost anything can kill you. Though, it might seem possible, I am sure that even a hop can kill you, but I’ll still keep drinking. I feel so much better due to my recent enlightenment for one of my few fans of six. That maybe pushing it! Either way, the Reign of Terror ended today when John Myers found the actual definition of a hop. He sent the following:

Main Entry: hop
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English hoppe, from Middle Dutch; akin to Old High German hopfo hop
1: the ripe dried pistillate catkins of a hop used especially to impart a bitter flavor to malt liquors
2: a twining vine ( Humulus lupulus ) of the mulberry family with 3-lobed or 5-lobed leaves and inconspicuous flowers of which the pistillate ones are in glandular cone-shaped catkins

So in celebration of this new found information, I am going to have a beer!

But I must admit that I have learned quite a few new things. It might be the most learning I have done since 5th Grade! From Bin Laden to ball-point pens, with a threatening world upon us I got my first medical insurance through the local Blue Cross, which is called the Capital Blue Cross.

They do this to make sure you do not confuse it with any of the other Blue Crosses like the one in New York City. Albany, New Yorkers! What can you say? I got stuck on one of the many pages of my plan much like I did with See Spot Run. This one page was labeled: Is It An Emergency? Due to the growing population of stupidity, Capital Blue Cross thought it was important to inform us of these signs to tell weather we should go to the doctor or the emergency room, because it could be a coin toss?
Here it goes:

Some Reasons to be treated in the emergency department or call 911:

1. Chest pain
2. Trouble breathing
3. Very high fever
4. Deep cut or bleeding that won’t stop
5. First time seizure
6. Severe seizure
7. Broken bone
8. Major injury, such as a car accident
9. Severe pain
10. Unconsciousness, unusual sleepiness or confusion
11. Abuse such as a beating, stab wound or gun shot wound.

(I am not making this up!)

And with that, I some raised hands. Can you call 911 while you are unconscious? How do you know when you are having a seizure for the first time? Do people actually have to think about whether they should see a doctor after a gun shot wound? And I guess that is what scares me. There were actual stupid people who having a hard time deciding. I just like the “such as a beating” part. Of course there is much more!

Sometimes it’s better to call your doctor or clinic for……

1. Earache
2. Toothache
3. Rash
4. Colds, cough, sore throat, flu, or sinus
5. Minor headache
6. Minor cooking or household burn
7. Sunburn
8. Back pain that you have often
9. Broken cast
10. Teething Baby
11. Stitches that need to be taken out
12. Medicine refills

Before you are let loose with questions, I have to state that this is for “at-work” emergencies. Keep this in mind, because you never can tell when a teething baby may strike at work. Sure, they are cute and harmless, but if you ever seen the movie, It Lives, you will know better. So there! Questions? When was the last time you went the doctor for your teeth? Under household burns, can we get workers’ compensation for that? They say Teething Baby, but do they come in packs like wolves? If so, what is the best protection?

So, there you have it. It is important to have health insurance in case of such events as a beating or your first seizure. If you do have a seizure, please, write to me to tell what it feels like for future reference. Oh, and call 911!

Skibicki

P.S. If you want a copy of this page, just write me.

It is amazing how small things can bring up memories. In this case, I was working in my new job called Boscov’s .They actually have a cheesy slogan on a bag stating “Did you Boscov’s today?” I apparently forgot to, but I was still working rather hard for the beginning of the day. My boss was yelling at me when I could not read a label. He has convinced himself that I have a brain of a squirrel, but after he saw the reason, he could understand. The Boscov’s Main Warehouse in Washington. D.C. decided to send a box labeled in none other than French. They also sent a box from the Canadian Wal-Mart. I won’t go there. So for the alternative language, they picked the best one for us: German. They were pots in the box.

It had me thinking of all of the times I parents asked me when I used German. Usually, the answer was along the lines of “I don’t”, but I chose to learn the language slightly anyway. Back in the days of high school, I could have gone for the other choices as most schools have: Spanish, French, or Latin. But I wanted to be different. I heard that German was suppose to be fairly easy compared to the other languages. I thought about learning Spanish, but everyone I had met who spoke Spanish as their first language usually refused to learn English. And French was tempting for being the language of love, but I never had any game with the ladies to begin with. Latin, What’s the point? So I decided to be the Nazi of the school and learn German while working for the Hitler Youth: Wal-Mart. You cannot deny that!

As the facts of life go, I learned German fairly well, but I had an evil teacher for German. Just imagine the Wicked Witch of the West on PMS after doing her taxes. That would have been a good day. She took out all of her 1040 forms on everyone in German. Everything was graded in her class as a test. Homework, quizzes, tests, and finals. Here, they were all equally worthless, unless you some how passed her classes. I did with a 70 after making straight A’s from a day I forgot to do homework. Das ist doof!

After those fatal days of high school, I thought I was spared from languages until I went to Coastal Carolina University. Being the smart person that I was, I took German. It was really neat to hear what my parents said about my decision, but that is why I have Polish Power. Wisdom, who needs it! But it turned out to be very fun. Not only did I get to know German better, I discovered other great things like what curse words to use and other practical uses of Jaegermeister. Apparently, it was a medicine before 1938. And yes, you are probably wondering about the curse words too.

But I must admit that there are not very many insulting words. If you would like to learn an “insulting” languange, you will have to learn Russian. Apparently, they have curses that can be as long as four pages. They might go something like this: I curse you mother four times over in the grave while spanking monkeys with squirrels screaming like the Wicked Witch of the West doing her taxes on PMS, and I hate you!

There is actually a book devoted to Russian cursing. I saw one after being yelled at by a Russian girl I knew. I wanted to know what she said. After realizing how much work it would take to find out, I asked her Russian friend. It is not worth repeating. But, the translation would be great a response to the French-Canadian/German pots!

Skibicki

It a occurred to me at work earlier today that my store has too much trash. I am not declaring a record-breaker here, because there is someone’s story out that who beats every work place. Of course, I must admit that I am a horrible, horrible person. I do not really recycle. And this guilt has certainly been reinforced. Movies have always shown the Northeast to be full of dirty slobs; but, I must defend them! Recycling is at an all-time high in New York. Every grocery store up here seems to have a recycling station where mindless zombies stand in line to toss cans down a shoot to a get a nickel. The only places I have ever seen this happen before was at the local DMV and those change collectors that receive guys with Buick-sized jars of pennies. So recycling seems to be cool thing up in the Northeast.

But we, as Americans, do have a problem with waste. We just can’t help it! It is our job! So environmentalists, hear me out. It is not my fault! Let us take a look at our current recycling products. I have no problem with glass or paper, but I have to say something about the plastic. Before you burn down my home, I hate plastic bags! It has been a trend ever since my first job at a Winn-Dixie. Recycled grocery bags! The name almost spits at you with failure. This is my thing, recycled bags help the environment by slowing the plastic waste in trash, but when those cheaper, weaker bags breaks all of my groceries, it made the same amount of waste in seconds instead of hours. Besides that, the movies made me do it!

It is true. I had noticed that after watching the movie remake of War Of The Worlds starring Tom Cruise that the human race will always prevail. You can’t argue against that! You could tell the world that spitting your gum out of you mouth could cause a chain reaction that could take out an area the size of New Jersey, and someone will at least try it. The movies are proof to this. Look at the movie, The Day After Tomorrow. That movie states that we can nearly destroy our own planet and it will be OK! because we survive in the movie. War Of The Worlds reminded me that all of the bacteria in my bathroom might save me from an onslaught of alien race from outer space. And to think I used Comet against all of my bacteria buddies! Just remember that recycling is a good thing! And if your bag breaks, blame it on taxes!

Skibicki

P.S. Who was the idiot that decided to recycle toilet paper? Run and hide!

I was reminded the other day about how food service has gone down hill. Actually, that is an understatement; it has fallen off a cliff! What reminded me was Sunday. Every Sunday, the employees of the Dark Side, I mean, Boscov’s attempts a lunch run for the Clifton Park Food Court. It still amazes me on how we never learn. Every time, I go there, there is some problem with something to close down Arby’s or Taco Bell. This has happened every Sunday, since the beginning of the mall. Of course, Taco Bell had a major problem with their water. They did not have hot water. I told them that was okay, I’ll have a coke with a couple of tacos. The expression I got after that was that I was a complete idiot. I guess drinking hot water was a big thing up here? But that is my point, the food industry is doing a lot of stupid things like the Atkins Diet! If they really want a dieting market, sell bags of air!But like most things I see, the food problems are not just with fast-but-currently-slow restaurants; it is also the food industry as a whole. Example: I discovered Caffeine-free Diet Vanilla Cherry Dr. Pepper. I don’t care; it is not Dr. Pepper! It is stupid stuff like that! The same goes with potato chips. Raise your hand if you witnessed this. One person, for say, your roommate buys the same bag of potato chips as you. When you both get back to your apartment, you find that your roommate’s bag of chips has more than you by a third of the bag. This seems to happen a lot. But I guess it could be worse. Just recently, food made another evil dash in the newspaper. This is what it had to say:

SAN FRANCISCO - A California prison inmate has sued after finding a fingertip in his frozen dinner - and this time the food company is not crying fraud.
Pelican Bay State Prison inmate Felipe Rocha was eating dinner in March when he “chewed on a crunchy object” in his cornbread and discovered the fingertip, according to the lawsuit filed against GA Food Services Inc.
The Florida company wrote a letter of apology to the prison regarding the “foreign object” in the food, and acknowledged a worker “severed” the tip of a finger while cleaning machinery when the cornbread was produced last July.

My only question is why should we even care what a prisoner eats? I thought the point was to make them suffer? Question: Georgia Food Services?

The company is based in Florida, though? Either way, that is not what bothers me. What bothered me to write this was my recent trip to Burger King. There is a Burger King in the Wonderful World of Troy, New York where rats are the size of ice cream trucks. It is a nifty place! Well, I decided to go there in memory of childhood. When I was a kid, I remembered the time of the Big Whopper. With the passing of age, apparently, the Big Whopper has disappeared. I pretty much laughed at the burger that I got compared to my memory. I remember the Big Whopper being the size of Mike Tyson’s right glove, and would probably hurt like hell if you threw one in a food fight!

Instead, I got what seemed to be a McDonald’s hamburger? I did not remember seeing the Golden Arches on the way in? What happened? Whatever is going on in food service, it better start improving! In the meantime, I am going to eat my mouse-burger, I mean, my Big Whopper!

Skibicki
P.S. Remember the Fry Guys?

As usual, another tabloid story strikes fear into the hearts of everyone, everyone being old people. They seem more subject to extra excitement in life. But, for whatever reason, the moon might blow up. This has definitely cast a fog over screen-scripts in the past decade. It looks like a another round of remakes is in order like Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory. As much as I like Johnny Depp, why? This are a long list of movies that seem to be creeping back. It is like directors can not help themselves, and with the moon ending its rain of terror in six months, I am sure we will not see the end of great ideas such as a Jaws remake! If they do that, I will surely buy a gun!

With alarming news of the moon ending, I did what every American would do, I went to the movies. I went to see another addition to Marvel Comics’ movie campaign: The Fantastic Four. I thought it was pretty good. It did not seem fantastic, but at least, it was better than what the critics wrote in the Times Union. According to the world of critics, it was rated the grade-school letter of a D for “Dumb Idea”. Of course, these were the same people who thought the movie Van Helsing was very good. So, it is all a matter of opinion. Personally, I believe that if it is a Marvel Comic, it will always get a bad review. Reason being, the critics are all closet comic geeks that have to have everything perfect. I think that is why I did not like the movie The Incredible Hulk. I think the TV show influenced me a lot. I just figured that he was mad, because he had a horrible hairstyle and was commonly confused with the Jolly Green Giant. My bad!

Either way, back to the matter at hand! I am beginning to think that the directors are drawing blanks. I know that it is terrible, but it would not be the first. Movies are like fashion, they show up again. I just hope to God that the 80’s do not come back! But the first dried up round of movies was in the 70’s. For those of you who were too baked to remember, we started coming out with stupid stuff. If Clint Eastwood was not involved, it seemed that movies were shot. Especially, in the horror department. Of course, I must confess that I was a big fan of The Attack Of The Killer Tomatoes! After seeing that on TV, I stopped using ketchup. I liked to say when I was a kid that I was supporting the Tomato cause. And of course, there were the Planet Of The Apes movies. Charleston Heston is a God and should run for president! After all, he parted the sea once, and he always seemed bold in his ways. “Get your damn hands off me, you dirty ape!” The remake killed the Planet Of The Apes just like Val Kilmer killed Batman. Batman Begins was great, but how can your forget George Clooney in the last two? Speaking about remakes and the moon, I am still shocked that they remade The Time Machine. The moon was destroyed in that movie. They did not really explain that. Maybe, they all witnessed a remake of the movie Volcano.

Either way, if movies keep selling out to the remake ideal, fear not, there is always the Japanese version of Godzilla! Maybe, he will eat the moon as well as the rough copy of Willy Wonka.

Skibicki

As I had mentioned earlier last week, I now have another job. Like most jobs, there is always that long transition that you have to endure where you are called the “New Guy” like it’s some Vietnam War movie. “Ah, who cares about him. He’s just the new guy.” And as a “New Guy” I have to worry more about doing things stupid. I still do not know what all my bosses look like. Normally, I would not bothered by this, but once you do all of the receiving junk that I do, I still have to wait for customer pick-up. There might not be any on a particular day, which means I sit around waiting for someone to buy something. That might not happen for a whole eight-hour shift. Scary.

So what does my slight boredom at work have to do with anything. Newspapers! I have read seven full newspapers since I started this job. I never read whole newspapers. But now that I have, I realized that the free press, which cost $2.00 a paper, is running out of ideas and news. Example: Somewhere in Johnstown, NY, researchers discovered that water rises quicker in developed areas than undeveloped. Raise your hand if you heard this before. I read this exact story in the Atlanta Journal Constitution back in high school. Not to show my age, but that was nine years ago. So the people of New York are a little behind, right?

No, I am going to defend them. My theory is that Newspapers are rotating stories every year. We will hear more about the developing areas and how they cause flooding quicker than in the woods where no one notices. It will just be in a paper in Richmond, VA next year. Of course, you can only rotate so many stories. Iraq: The Massive Rotation. It is so easy. Just mention a bombing or Iraqis hating us, and mostly likely no one knows what is true. Really, I think that the press is rotating stories because they are being held back. I bet that they really want to go after China and how threatening it is. Or North Korea. They have probably been itching for it ever since General Tso’s Chicken was introduced to the US. Besides, I know that someone has at least questioned what kind of chicken they use. It can’t be chicken.

During these boring times at work, I also found myself reading women’s magazines. They are on another realm. I discovered that the cover stories are non-existent. I think the best one I saw was “Find His Most Value Square Inch” I know, I know, you guys are wondering what they are talking about, so Skibicki Research look up and down, and all around for that article. My conclusion came to what square inch? They must be mistaken; they meant square inches. Needless to say, I hope that the magazine is not the official way of finding things out, because it is nearly a mission impossible to find anything. Really, I could not read to much into them. It seems that women’s magazines are more like perfume shops than magazines. They need to cut down on the samples.

So what did we learn today? If you miss a story in the newspaper, no need to worry. It will show up again. And women’s magazines are like rat mazes with perfume. Oh, ladies, if you believe the square inch ideal, you might as well consider 40 lbs to be listed as overweight. And, just remember, when all else fails, there is always General Tso’s Chicken.

Skibicki

It happened out of the blue where I was hit by the notion of a road trip. It had been a long time since I took one. The great thing about road trips is the fact that they can be for no reason. You can go to Alabama for Moon Pies, if you really wanted to. God forbid, why not? My friend, Berto drove a two-hour road trip to go to Myrtle Beach to eat take-out at his favorite Chinese place. They made very good General Tso’s Cat, I mean, Chicken.

Most road trips seemed to have no purpose, but mine did. I recently got a job at this place called Boscov’s, which sounds similar to soviet concentration camp. One could only dream, but they gave me enough time to drive from here to Florida and back if I needed to. But since I don’t care for Moon Pies from Key West, I decided that I would go get the rest of my stuff that I left in Atlanta, GA and visit my friends. If you did not get to see me, sorry.

The important thing about the wonderful Road trip idea is the adventure. It was made to be fun for both the good and the bad. Of course, it is also a shared experience, but I had no one to drive with me on this one. Instead, I was forced to drive it alone through scenic New Jersey and all of the Northeast Traffic everyone loves. So really, the point of me writing is to give a hint on how my trip was driving.

There were several things I seemed to have learned on this last road trip, and I am going to spit them out randomly:

1. George Michael is still alive!
2. Cheez-Its from gas stations are always stale.
3. Highway 17 that I drove on in Myrtle Beach, SC runs all the way up to New York.
4. I discovered Caffeine-Free Diet Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. They should just call it a completely different name, because it is not Dr. Pepper anymore. Besides, try saying that fast.
5. The New Jersey Turnpike has full service gas stations.
6. Don King drive a maroon Ford Tempo. I swear I saw him in Richmond, Virginia!
7. Construction workers in North Carolina need to learn their lefts and rights.
8. Aggressive driving is bad.

So in a nutshell, I did not learn too much. While I was driving, there where signs on the highway to Dial #77 if you see people driving aggressively. Personally, I am a little confused. I first saw this sign in the outskirts of New York City, but I thought you could not talk on your phone while you drive. It is against the law. So you actually have to break a law to inform that the law is broken? Just checking. But for you bad people out there like me, aggressive driving is bad.

MapQuest has to be run by aggressive drivers. They told me on my computer named “BOB” that Baltimore from Albany, NY was only a five hour and 34 minute drive. I was an aggressive driver the whole time, and I still was late. So, unless you are flying a jet at Mach 4, there is no way it could have happened. But aggressive driving is still a problem with most states. In Baltimore, they had put up signs that say: Aggressive Driving Monitored by Digital Imaging. If it wasn’t the fact it was on a road sign, it sounds like an interesting photography company name. I can see it like it was The Geek Squad. My question is, do I get a photograph of my car with my ticket, or do I have to pay for it separately? Of course, my favorite was the new sign in front of Coastal Carolina University in Conway, SC. They not only tell you not to speed, but the list the exact amounts you will be charged for depending on your speed. So in a way, you can look at it, and say, I can pay for that, and justify your speeding. That would be the way to do it. Pay in advance for speeding so you can speed year round. Like the EZ-Pass System.

But what the most important things to learn about Road trips is to pay attention. I thought I knew the way home from Baltimore, but then, I drove through downtown Philly. Don’t ask! On top of that, I missed a turn and sat in traffic for two hours outside of New York City. It was pretty bad. I ended up walking around my car, because we never moved. I was five cars away from an exit to turn around. So really, I feel we should nuke New York City to start over for scratch with the traffic issues. Either case, I am going to get a Moon Pie.

Skibicki

There’s nothing like it: The smell, the hallways, and the mindless people shopping. I love the mall! Malls are great. Where else in this world can you so easily measure society? In the mall, you see everyone from the bums to the recent men wearing pink fad. That is right! I said it! Apparently, it is okay for us guys to wear pink now. But hey, if we can take over Iraq, we can wear pink! I am not sure who makes these rules, but let me say this: It is okay for a male to wear pink if he has a hot girlfriend. If you are a straight male deciding to wear pink without the hot girlfriend, you might want to rethink that. But that is the great stuff! I have to say that I am usually pretty happy in the mall. It is usually entertaining, has beautiful women, and my favorite happy store: Hot Topic. I once went in there when they were playing “Happy Together” by The Turtles. That was a change! I am used to the Frank Zappa feeling towards music such as: “My Guitar Wants To Kill Your Mama!”

I used to somewhat think of myself as a Mallrat. But now, that is over. Just today, I became the dreaded enemy to the Mallrat. I am a mall employee. It is sad, but true. I went into a company that is called Boscov’s. I have never heard of it, but it interested me based on the fact that it sounds like a Russian drill sergeant. Even it’s location was new to me. It was like tripping on a landmine. Look, a mall! So how did I find it? I looked it up on Career Builder. This is one of the few times that this ever happens, but I called up from the job posting information, and they told me to come on down to the price is right, I mean, to come and apply. It is usually unheard of with Career Builder. It seems that you can put resume after resume into the Career Builder system, and it just eats them up like the Cookie Monster. Mmmmm Resumes! YUMYUMYUMYUMYUM!

So I went there with the idea of just apply. Ever since I left PCA, everyone from Wal-Mart to Home Depot seemed to take their time about things. I bet they are all playing poker with applications to see who they get. The Labor Department is probably the dealer. Anyway, this turned into an unexpected surprise. I got an interview, and was hired on the spot. They even wanted me for the suit department, and I was wearing an Allman Brothers t-shirt. Okay, underneath my dress shirt, but still, was I that much of a stud? There is probably a catch in the paperwork I signed like your soul belongs to Michael Jackson. But, hey, a job is a job. As long as Boscov’s is not Russian for the Neverland Ranch, I am okay with it. So watch out you Mallrats, I am now a mall employee. So there! Buy Something!

Skibicki

P.S. The views of Skibicki are not intended to scare Mallrats, unless they have huge, sharp, pointy teeth. So please, ignore the last comments. Thank you!

Today, I went with my dad to look around the island that we live on called People’s Island. We had concluded that it is still not Spring in New York. Why else would it still be cold? The flowers seemed to have come from Michael’s. But the neat thing I got to see is the amazing population of groundhogs. It just gave me memories of a few Bill Murray movies. It happens! But since I know next to nothing about groundhogs with the exception of them being great meteorologists, I decided to upgrade this essay and discuss a bigger and better animal: The beaver. Oh, please! Keep you mind out of the gutter you sick puppies!

When I first noticed the groundhogs, my dad said that Mr. Burke thought they were beavers. He works with my dad on a GE plant. GE is for General Evil, I mean, General Electric. It just so happens that groundhogs in New York outnumber the squirrels. Scary? But if Mr. Burke had only known about the true life of beavers, he would have never mistaken them. Almost everyone knows what a beaver looks like. It is somewhat small and furry rodent with a paddle-like tail used to beat tourists.

What few people know about beavers is the fact that they are one of the few animals that change their surroundings to their standard. They just happen to like water. It was an interesting event receiving a customer with a problem when I worked at Lowe’s. He wanted to know how to kill the beavers next door. I told him to use a gun. Of course, I assumed that he meant the animal, and not a family. Apparently, this one customer became slightly upset when a beaver family decided to dam up a creek nearby. This would have normally never bother the man, but he did not like walking in a foot of water in his kitchen. I still stuck with the gun idea. Unfortunately, there was a lack of communication between neighbors. Too bad.

If there is one thing everyone assumes about is that beavers are small creatures. I guess your common house cat takes down 35 foot trees. Yes, beavers are big. I was out hiking in the wild when I discovered a beaver dam behind K-Mart. Then, I saw it! It was like seeing Godzilla. The beaver was the size of a Great Dane. It would definitely do damage to a small car. So that is why I got better insurance coverage for my Honda Civic. It seems that Georgia has an extreme cheapness with car insurance, because, not only can I burn it down with four people inside, but it covers falling trees from rather large beavers. Either way, the point to this e-mail is to never underestimate the power of the beavers. They are powerful and cause damage to homes. So if your house has a beaver problem, and you don’t own a gun, complain to Oregon State University. They seem to think they are beavers!

Skibicki

P.S. If a beaver takes down a tree in the middle of the woods, and it falls on a mime, would anyone care?

Well, once again, David T. Skibicki am jobless. And like most people who just realize that they get an unexpected day off, I watched Star Wars. Yes, I am a Geek, but a lot of you are closet geeks. It happens! Of course, I did not plan to watch Star Wars at first. It was after I watched Star Trek, when I got the urge. I am sorry to offend any of you Trekkies out there. I really don’t know what the deal is. In the beginning of each Star Wars, it states: “In a Galaxy far, far away….” Star Trek is not-so- far away. Of course, both raise a few questions? What happens when a ship at Warp 9 hits an uncharted planet? Does the Federation have insurance? Is it Geico?

Either way, the people you should be mad at are the television corporations. During the Star Trek show, they interrupted it with commercials to tell us about Star Wars: Episode III. Darth had many “episodes” in his life. What really got me to watch Star Wars was based on the commercial. Somehow, the one of the darkest events in the whole Star Wars series had a very cheerful commercial. So I felt I should update my last viewing of Star Wars, because I thought I missed something. I was under the impression that the dark side was a bad thing. Spock was screaming that the commercial was, in fact, not logical. So Skibicki Research had to look into it.

It is amazing how much details you can forget in movies you haven’t seen in awhile. I started from the beginning based on the George Lucas’ timeframe. I started watching Luke Skywalker with his 1970’s hairdo. I had to confirm that Darth Vader was a bad boy. Needless to say, nothing changed. The dark side was still as bad and evil as Hillary Clinton and Martha Stewart combined. Besides, Episode III had upgraded to a PG-13 movie. How amazing! I was hoping for a NC-17 version, so I can laugh at all the children who can not see the movie. I am sorry; that was mean. They will never use that NC-17 as a rating. It was better when it was the letter X. At least it sounded evil and sinful.

So I watched all the way through to the slight end of the series, and then had a flash back to 1985, I mean, Episode I. So I had some Star Wars questions. They are more of concerns. I’ll just let it out!

1. If Darth Vader had the dark side on his side, couldn’t he use it to breathe better?
2. If Luke and Leia got it on like what I thought might happen, how could you explain that to you kids?
3. Anakin Skywalker was a strait out creepy character. He probably used the force on her.
4. And to the most bothersome thing, if I ever saw Yoda dish out an ass whipping like that, there would be no way I could wait up for him. He could just walk faster.

Sorry about that. But to make it fair for you Star Wars fans:

1. If Spock was all about logic all of the time, why would he hang out with humans? Stupid is as stupid does.
2. If no man has even been there before, why are they risking Warp 9? Where was Spock to object to that idea?
3. Did Scotty ever fix anything himself?
4. Did the crew ever get annoyed with Data?
5. Why was George Clooney never in any Star Trek movies?
6. Oh, Star Trek: The Next Generation movies are $1.99 at Big Lots in Troy, NY, but I did not tell you all.

Either way, I do look forward to the new Star Wars movie, but if it turns out to be cheerful like the commercial, I am coming after you George! Live long and prosper,

Skibicki

Another day of work at PCA Studios passes by, and I am not fired from it. It happens! It is sad only based on the fact that I have been promoted to store manager of the Albany location, which is located in the Wal-Mart right next to the bathrooms. What can I say? Wal-Mart likes PCA that much! Not to point my finger at anyone, but the customers in the Albany Area are thieving bastards! You would have to understand why I am really upset. They stole my little rubber ducky. It is sad, but true. I used to call him the “Ben Aflac” Duck, since it is similar to the insurance company. It worked wonders and cost a total of 57 cents. It would also make parents laugh. I was proud of that! Also, my basketball was stolen, along with the football, two other ducks, my angel wings (later torn in half), and a background. I am a little confused about the background. Whatever. But the worst was the duck.

Really, I have to write a complaint to the makers of the rubber ducks. They do not squeak! I thought it was the point, but I bought two 88-cent ducks that did not squeak. This was a major disappointment to two-year-olds everywhere. Not like it mattered, because two-year-olds are upset at slight gusts of wind. So to make up for the upset little kids, I went on my search to find Mr. Squeak. I ended up finding him in the pet department. It seems that all of the cool toys end up in the pet department.

So who is Mr. Squeak? Mr. Squeak in a threatening little rubber mouse that is yellow. Much like Mr. Smith in the Matrix, he puts fear in the hearts of everyone. He is about the same size as my store’s computer mouse, but works better, and squeaks loudly. I have to give props to the makers of this mouse. It was a dog toy. I am not sure the designer was thinking when he designed Mr. Squeak. It squeaks louder than anything I have ever heard. And they say dogs have better hearing than us humans. It has some goofy dimensions. It has his eyes crossed with big Mickey Mouse ears. That was a test. Disney has a mini-army of lawyers that drive around and sue people with Mickey Mouse-like products. It came with a label stating that children are not allowed to play with it. I think the makers thought that the children would choke on the mouse’s tail after shoving it’s two inch tale down their throat. Whatever its reasons, the kids love Mr. Squeak! At least 60 different kids have tried to steal him. It is insane. If there were only more, I would buy them all to resell them for $4.00.

Anyway, Mr. Squeak has been a success! It is too bad he has not made the news or anything. At least , it did not get the same response as Ninja Rabbit, (a light blue rabbit with big, floppy ears). Don’t ask! I must tell the story. As the story goes, one of the Wal-Mart employees refers certain customer’s children as “gutter kids”. On one particular case, a “gutter kid” I had to photograph had a new name for the common rabbit, so pay attention. According to the three-year-old, rabbits were called “Shit-Bags!” I am not making this up! It kind of caught me off guard, but he proceeded to tell me that is what his dad called them in the yard. I can see his point, I guess. So there you have it! Rabbits are officially renamed “Shit-Bags!” So there!

Skibicki