The Darkside Of North Pole

Well, to all of you wonderful Pink Floyd fans out there, I discovered another Pink Floyd release other than Roger Water's new opera. I know it sounds crazy, but Pink Floyd released a Christmas album over the satellite airwaves of my local retail store. At least, that is what I think it is. I took me a couple of weeks to figure out why I was stressing so much at work when I notice amongst the fifty versions of "Jingle Bell Rock" that there was an organ solo in the middle of the song along with ticking clock noise that sounded similar to Pink Floyd's "Time". It figures! I think that the record companies are now illegally creating Christmas music for the holidays. If David Gilmour was singing in the song, someone must have kicked a field goal between his legs. This is terrible to the music fans everywhere. I heard a Christmas song done by The Pretenders yesterday. Christmas Music must be stopped before it is too late! Or else we might hear Blink-182 attempt Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer!

I will be honest. I don't really hate Christmas music. It is just that everyone covers the same song too often. There are at least 200 "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" covers rotating on the airwaves. Two of them I like. Of course, that song is kind of creepy now that I listen to it. Santa has got to be a stalker. "He knows when you are sleeping; he knows when you’re awake?" He must be part of the Patriot Act.

There are some good Christmas songs, but due to retail guidelines, which have the strangest sales promotions this year, will not allow such sing-a-long classics such as AC/DC's "A Mistress For Christmas" or The Who's "Christmas." Yes, retail stores are strange about stuff like that. That is why they have to make up these strange Christmas sales; they have to replace the cool music with them. This week, my store had a sale where you have to buy a certain amount of stuff to buy other stuff that you just can't straight out buy. I laugh at this, but what can you do? My only complaint is that they should interweave the Christmas music with regular music. I don't think they will ever consider, so they should just let it stay in church instead.

Here is the reason for the last statement: Other than caring whether Christmas is forced down the throats to other religions, I think that Christmas music sounds the best in church. The main reason is that everyone is singing them. And when everyone sings it together with our equally worthless talents of singing, somehow, a miracle occurs. It comes out good. For you church goers, you know how this works. Every-so-often you can catch everyone singing in a church on TV, where everything sounds great, but we all know there are bad singers amongst them. Every time I've gone to church, there are three types of people you can always hear in the crowd above all others. First, there is the fat lady that has an extremely high vibrating voice that usually has at least two or three people laughing. Next, there are the less noticeable flat singers that sound like Ben Stein. Finally, there are the people who couldn't carry a tune if they actually could physically hold it. These people usually sound like they are killing kittens. If these people weren't there singing, we might have had been the background chorus for Pink Floyd's The Wall. Okay, maybe not.

If any musicians are reading this, make up your own Christmas songs. And if you are a guy, don't attempt to sing "Santa Baby" without clarifying that Santa Baby is a girl. It really disturbed me at work! And while you are being creative, write a Kwanzaa song while you are at it! Happy Merry Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa Whatever!


P.S. Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg!


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