When Your Toilet Monster Gets Sick.

It occurred to me a on dark, strange night that I had more to fear in the Great State of New York other than the local wildlife. There is a rather large population of rabbits surrounding my apartment complex. And, with as many cats as I see roaming around, one would think the population of rabbits would be down some. As I look at one of the cats in the yard, you can almost sense that the cat is saying: "If I was you, I would leave them well alone." So I am still slightly worried about the rabbits, until the other day, when I heard an alarming noise that woke me up. It sounding like boiling water, but louder, and it was coming from the bathroom. Now, I cannot express how scary a bathroom can be at night, especially when you hear noises from it. It is like the perfect set up for a horror movie. Meanwhile, deep in the depths of the bathroom, an alien presence awakes to destroy humanity...... They even reinforce the fear of the toilet ever since they made the movie, "The Blob" where the blob comes out of a toilet-like Texas-T! Yes, I feel safe. So I went into my bathroom to investigate. I could not find anything wrong, which was pretty bad, because that is how the monster always gets you: When you think it’s safe. So I went to sleep.

It was earlier this morning when I discovered a toilet problem. My toilet monster is sick. I was sitting on the toilet when I heard a huge burp, which definitely did not come from me. I may not be a morning person, but I am certain about what is going on with me! Of course, I felt very helpless when I flushed my toilet to realize that gravity was reversed on me. That was a surprise. I might as well admit it, I was ill-prepared. I did not have a plunger! It seems to happen to everyone in this exact way. Wow, I just moved, I should really get these things! You leave a post-it note about these things. A week later, your note falls off the refrigerator, and you place back up. A month goes by; you know you should have it, but it slips your mind. By the time, you remember, you are slipping on the floor caused by The Porcelain God, who is angry for whatever reason. So I left my problem behind to go to work in hopes that my toilet monster may reconsider its stubbornness, and fix itself. Hey, it could happen?!

Needless to say, I did not trust it, and went to the local Super Wal-Mart, which is overrated, and bought your typical supplies for such "fix-it" projects. So I got a plunger and a case of beer! No matter how you look at it, beer is a major "Typical Guy" tool for work around the household. Really, you can look this up under the guide book entitled: Guide To Typical Guys: Typically Speaking by some author I can't remember. Anyway, it worked out for the best, because the bathroom smelled like an old beer distillery amongst other things that are unmentionable. So when you smell bad beer, drink good beer!

I would love to say that the plunger/beer combination solved my toilet's poor sickness, but it would be a lie. Otherwise, I would be in the business of plumbing where the confirmation of your plumbing problem cost you $75 to $100. So I now have resorted to desperate measures: I will have maintenance deal with it. So I am sure you are wondering what I did to solve the problem. Well, had to improvise! For the smell, I discovered that I had bought apple cinnamon air fresheners when I first moved in. I think I was thinking I would have visitors. Who knows! Then, I dosed my toilet water with my remaining mouth wash: blue mint. So you can imagine the different odors going on in my household. Apple, cinnamon, blue mint, poop, and beer. It is like a bad accident at Bath And Body Works! I am surprised that I can still breathe! Anyway, I hope my Toilet Monster feels better. He has a crappy job to do!


P.S. If the South Carolina Water Treatment Authority finds a rather large orange box cutter in your system, I am sorry about that!


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