And Now A Word From Your Spider!

I was doing my rounds to pick up cardboard at work, because the supply of cardboard is endless at retail stores like Boscov's. Of course, we recycle the cardboard for the kids to play with in Alabama. Yes, I went there, but since Alabama does not get snow, cardboard makes for a great sled, even in the middle of the summer! Don't ask! Anyway, I got to one of the registers where one of the girls started to freak out all of a sudden! On the floor was a spider maybe a fourth of an inch crawling away from her! Of course, like most frantic, insensitive females, she requested, no, strike that, she demanded me to kill it! This put me at a slight dilemma: Should I kill this clearly innocent creature, or be beaten by my frantic female coworker. Unfortunately, the spider died! What!? Don't look at me like that!!

So with the sudden demise of the spider, I have come to the crossroads where you ladies need to GET A GRIP!!!!!! Everyday, poor innocent spiders, beetles, and possibly a grasshopper die needlessly over frantic screams! Roaches, I understand! They do nothing to benefit this world. At least a grasshopper tries to help mow the lawn! But really, what gives? Why are you ladies so fearful of something so small? The only thing I can figure is that those extra legs do something to drive you crazy or may be, anything less than the size of a squirrel do something like mircophobia problems. Anyway, I think you are clearly over reacting! Have you ever considered the spider's feelings? It works and slaves all day so that the South Carolina state bird, the mosquito, does not bite your perfect skin! The only reason us guys can see killing a spider is based on the one-night-stand dates that female spiders do. They eat their guys. What can we say? Sometime we get too sweet for our own good?

My point is that your commonly killed spider works hard to save you from other such things like horse flies, which must eat the whole horse, because there is no reason that a fly needs to be that big! Which reminds me of my old friend, Charlotte. Charlotte the spider, with no relation to the book, was a garden spider that the Lowe's Lawn & Garden had to amuse its workers. We fed Charlotte daily until it got to the size of an acorn. Her first victim was none other than a grasshopper. I know what I say earlier, but it was mowing the plants that we were trying to sell. Pretty much, Charlotte was one of the greatest pets. It was simple! Feed it; and it sits there! Now, if I can ever train a dog to do that, the world would be a better place. Anyway, Charlotte was our community spider, and never harmed any human being, especially, pretty girls, which usually have more of an reaction. So you see, spiders are not bad! They are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. So if you help them out, maybe, they won't lose themselves in your department as much. For all we know, it could have been asking for directions? I guess we will never know. To the spider I killed, I am sorry!

So this is a plea for your local neighborhood spiders, and possibly Spiderman, Try to restrain yourselves. As The Beetles, the band, not the dead ones on the floor, used to sing, "Let It Be." Spiders are your friends! At least they are not snakes!



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