The Nappy Cat Chronicles

Well, once again, David T. Skibicki am jobless. And like most people who just realize that they get an unexpected day off, I watched Star Wars. Yes, I am a Geek, but a lot of you are closet geeks. It happens! Of course, I did not plan to watch Star Wars at first. It was after I watched Star Trek, when I got the urge. I am sorry to offend any of you Trekkies out there. I really don’t know what the deal is. In the beginning of each Star Wars, it states: “In a Galaxy far, far away….” Star Trek is not-so- far away. Of course, both raise a few questions? What happens when a ship at Warp 9 hits an uncharted planet? Does the Federation have insurance? Is it Geico?

Either way, the people you should be mad at are the television corporations. During the Star Trek show, they interrupted it with commercials to tell us about Star Wars: Episode III. Darth had many “episodes” in his life. What really got me to watch Star Wars was based on the commercial. Somehow, the one of the darkest events in the whole Star Wars series had a very cheerful commercial. So I felt I should update my last viewing of Star Wars, because I thought I missed something. I was under the impression that the dark side was a bad thing. Spock was screaming that the commercial was, in fact, not logical. So Skibicki Research had to look into it.

It is amazing how much details you can forget in movies you haven’t seen in awhile. I started from the beginning based on the George Lucas’ timeframe. I started watching Luke Skywalker with his 1970’s hairdo. I had to confirm that Darth Vader was a bad boy. Needless to say, nothing changed. The dark side was still as bad and evil as Hillary Clinton and Martha Stewart combined. Besides, Episode III had upgraded to a PG-13 movie. How amazing! I was hoping for a NC-17 version, so I can laugh at all the children who can not see the movie. I am sorry; that was mean. They will never use that NC-17 as a rating. It was better when it was the letter X. At least it sounded evil and sinful.

So I watched all the way through to the slight end of the series, and then had a flash back to 1985, I mean, Episode I. So I had some Star Wars questions. They are more of concerns. I’ll just let it out!

1. If Darth Vader had the dark side on his side, couldn’t he use it to breathe better?
2. If Luke and Leia got it on like what I thought might happen, how could you explain that to you kids?
3. Anakin Skywalker was a strait out creepy character. He probably used the force on her.
4. And to the most bothersome thing, if I ever saw Yoda dish out an ass whipping like that, there would be no way I could wait up for him. He could just walk faster.

Sorry about that. But to make it fair for you Star Wars fans:

1. If Spock was all about logic all of the time, why would he hang out with humans? Stupid is as stupid does.
2. If no man has even been there before, why are they risking Warp 9? Where was Spock to object to that idea?
3. Did Scotty ever fix anything himself?
4. Did the crew ever get annoyed with Data?
5. Why was George Clooney never in any Star Trek movies?
6. Oh, Star Trek: The Next Generation movies are $1.99 at Big Lots in Troy, NY, but I did not tell you all.

Either way, I do look forward to the new Star Wars movie, but if it turns out to be cheerful like the commercial, I am coming after you George! Live long and prosper,

Skibicki

Another day of work at PCA Studios passes by, and I am not fired from it. It happens! It is sad only based on the fact that I have been promoted to store manager of the Albany location, which is located in the Wal-Mart right next to the bathrooms. What can I say? Wal-Mart likes PCA that much! Not to point my finger at anyone, but the customers in the Albany Area are thieving bastards! You would have to understand why I am really upset. They stole my little rubber ducky. It is sad, but true. I used to call him the “Ben Aflac” Duck, since it is similar to the insurance company. It worked wonders and cost a total of 57 cents. It would also make parents laugh. I was proud of that! Also, my basketball was stolen, along with the football, two other ducks, my angel wings (later torn in half), and a background. I am a little confused about the background. Whatever. But the worst was the duck.

Really, I have to write a complaint to the makers of the rubber ducks. They do not squeak! I thought it was the point, but I bought two 88-cent ducks that did not squeak. This was a major disappointment to two-year-olds everywhere. Not like it mattered, because two-year-olds are upset at slight gusts of wind. So to make up for the upset little kids, I went on my search to find Mr. Squeak. I ended up finding him in the pet department. It seems that all of the cool toys end up in the pet department.

So who is Mr. Squeak? Mr. Squeak in a threatening little rubber mouse that is yellow. Much like Mr. Smith in the Matrix, he puts fear in the hearts of everyone. He is about the same size as my store’s computer mouse, but works better, and squeaks loudly. I have to give props to the makers of this mouse. It was a dog toy. I am not sure the designer was thinking when he designed Mr. Squeak. It squeaks louder than anything I have ever heard. And they say dogs have better hearing than us humans. It has some goofy dimensions. It has his eyes crossed with big Mickey Mouse ears. That was a test. Disney has a mini-army of lawyers that drive around and sue people with Mickey Mouse-like products. It came with a label stating that children are not allowed to play with it. I think the makers thought that the children would choke on the mouse’s tail after shoving it’s two inch tale down their throat. Whatever its reasons, the kids love Mr. Squeak! At least 60 different kids have tried to steal him. It is insane. If there were only more, I would buy them all to resell them for $4.00.

Anyway, Mr. Squeak has been a success! It is too bad he has not made the news or anything. At least , it did not get the same response as Ninja Rabbit, (a light blue rabbit with big, floppy ears). Don’t ask! I must tell the story. As the story goes, one of the Wal-Mart employees refers certain customer’s children as “gutter kids”. On one particular case, a “gutter kid” I had to photograph had a new name for the common rabbit, so pay attention. According to the three-year-old, rabbits were called “Shit-Bags!” I am not making this up! It kind of caught me off guard, but he proceeded to tell me that is what his dad called them in the yard. I can see his point, I guess. So there you have it! Rabbits are officially renamed “Shit-Bags!” So there!

Skibicki

As another day went by in the local Wal-Mart in Albany, NY, I started to remember why I like it so much. It is a great target for subjects, and no matter how much everyone says they think that Wal-Mart is one notch above Satan, they still go shopping there. As AC/DC stated: “Hell ain’t a bad place to be!” Today kept me entertained. I have just been promoted to Manager of the Albany PCA Studio that is in a Wal-Mart. Go figure! And I still do the same thing! Of course, like most of the time, I find myself with a lack of customers. I sit there handing out flyers to tempt customers in like children with candy. It does not work! Instead, I am looked at as some Alien with three eyes usually being ignored. It happens! What makes Wal-Mart always so entertaining are the events that go on. Today, I realized that there is only one Loss Prevention worker in the store. I was slightly shocked. How I found out was even better. A man came running down the front aisle with Mr. Loss Prevention following close behind him. It ended up as a tackle at the 55 yard line, I mean, in the women’s clothes section. It was great! The police came and got him.

Ah, the memories! I remember the first experience with shoplifters at Wal-Mart. I had just got the job the summer before college working in the Lawn & Garden Department. I felt special, because I ran the register with the only laser gun. This was not exactly a high tech Wal-Mart. Either way, a couple of kids had an awesome way of shoplifting. As the loop hole goes, you will be arrested if you take something out of the store. But what about throwing it outside of the store? That is right, the kids decided to throw CDs they liked outside of the fence in the Lawn & Garden Area through a foot-sized gap in the top part of the fence. They decided to steal the same CDs in threes: that way, if one was run over by a car in the parking lot. I won’t lie, I watched them do it for twenty minutes.

Of course, nothing is more amazing than the Wal-Marts in South Carolina. They are big, they are busy, and have illegal events everyday. I would watch some 30 to 40 people being arrested everyday while I worked in the Toy Department. And to my surprise, the police may now never leave, since Wal-Mart has a contract with Dunkin’ Donuts. They are taking over the Radio Grill, which never had a radio! But in either case, it seems that South Carolina had struck a deal with Wal-Mart: Fine shoplifters and spilt the money with the government.

If I am killed in some strange accident, my theory is true, and the restraining order against South Carolina failed. If you did not already know, Wal-Mart does not make that much profit from customers. It is all about the fines! Example: Bounced checks! I went to court one day for check fraud! I know, I know! Bad Skibicki. After having my bank at the time lose some money, I decided to get myself a pizza from Domino’s. Keep in mind that I was told by the bank everything was fixed. So I assumed! Note: the South Carolina mailing system is as slow as snails, so I got an warrant for my arrest in the mail two months after my court date. So I went to court after paying Domino’s $40 for one pizza I did not remember about six months earlier. Questions: What does this have to do with Wal-Mart? I am getting there! I went to court, which is a fun place to go if you are there for check fraud. It is a circus. People bring babies, wheelchairs, puppies, and other devices to sway the judge ruling about there case. So I was curious about why people where there, and I asked! Apparently, I was the only one that was there for something other than Wal-Mart. That is the other way Wal-Mart makes a profit! So There!

In either case, I feel that with all the stuff our local Wal-Marts deal with, it almost screams for a movie production. I can imagine a movie called “Wal-Mart: The Movie” There probably is one already made. These days, nothing surprises me! Wal-Mart does, in fact, have movies. Every time I worked at a Wal-Mart, I had to watch my favorite Wal-Mart movie: The Team Movie. Not another Team Movie! Yes, but it is not what you think. The point of the movie shown at first on how great you are for joining The Darkside. I mean, Wal-Mart. Then, it slips down hill like Japanamation! Unions! Wal-Mart is anti-union, because they feel the need to treat you like dog dung on there own terms. What I liked about the movie is that they make a 30 min, deal about the evils of unions? Truthfully, they kind of exaggerate! They make it seem like a James Bond film where everyone is after you, and they are union workers! Oooh! They even have them show up to your car while you are on break to sway you away from Wal-Mart’s grip. I am not sure what century the movie was made in, but they added color. I miss those movies!

So this is my official Wal-Mart advertisement that may result in a law suite. I used their name, but I could be promoting K-Mart/Sears. We won’t go there! So remember, enjoy the experiences at your local Wal-Mart whether it is being a friendly, underpaid worker or a complaining customer. Be entertained you crazy shoplifters. Just remember to watch out for those union guys!

Skibicki

Quiz:

1. Who is Batman?

After much searching for a job, I decided to see a movie to loosen up. It would be the second time I would see a movie by myself, but it happens. The first time was Mortal Kombat. So I went to see Sin City, and must say that it is a must see by yourself. This was definitely not a date movie, which is about time. Before I went in, I felt a little strange about it, but that may have come from the recent news that they are remaking Batman again. No one seems to learn. Anyway, the concept of Sin City is based off a graphic novel, which for all you dummies out there, is like a comic book, but is actually a novel. A famous actor made on of the first graphic novel named Tom Hanks. He happened to due another great movie: Road to Perdition. The movie follows the novel where the present main character is the narrator, which brings a great point of view. Of course, even with the narration, the movie is full of surprises. It seems like a crazy movie, but that is what makes it original.

The movie’s format is great. because it is black & white. The director followed a lot what Schindler’s List was: Full black & white and color is only used point out main points. In Sin City’s case, it also amplified definitions of certain characters or certain problems characters had to deal with. Pretty much, the directors kept a strong believe to project animation. All of the scenes seemed unbelievable, but they pulled it off in a way that left an impression of animation. It was a good thing. I must warn that it is definitely sinful. The move scared away most of the old people that mistakenly walked into the theater. It was great! In either case, if you like dark movies, this is the movie for you. It does no blow people away, but it keeps you interested. Besides, Elijah Wood is a freak in it. It is a good thing. Enjoy!

After much searching for a job, I decided to see a movie to loosen up. It would be the second time I would see a movie by myself, but it happens. The first time was Mortal Kombat. So I went to see Sin City, and must say that it is a must see by yourself. This was definitely not a date movie, which is about time. Before I went in, I felt a little strange about it, but that may have come from the recent news that they are remaking Batman again. No one seems to learn. Anyway, the concept of Sin City is based off a graphic novel, which for all you dummies out there, is like a comic book, but a novel. A famous actor made on of the first graphic novel named Tom Hanks. He happened to due another great movie: Road to Perdition. The movie follows the novel where the present main character is the narrator, which brings a great point of view. Of course, even with the narration, the movie is full of surprises. It seems like a crazy movie, but that is what makes it original.

The movie’s format is great. because it is black and white. The director followed a lot what Schindler’s List was: black and white with color only to point out main points. In Sin City’s case, it also amplified definitions of certain characters or certain problems characters had to deal with. Pretty much, the directors kept a strong believe to project animation. All of the scenes seemed unbelievable, but they pulled it off in a way that left an impression of animation. It was a good thing. I must warn that it is definitely sinful. The move scared away most of the old people that mistakenly walked into the theater. It was great! In either case, if you like dark movies, this is the movie for you. It does no blow people away, but it keeps you interested. Besides, Elijah Wood is a freak in it. It is a good thing. Enjoy!

I don’t what really brought it up, but I was telling this lovely girl named Sarah about cockroaches. I know that it does not sound like a thing to really talk about on dates, but it came up anyway. I was having a memory lapse about an e-mail I first wrote entitled: “Girl In The Sexy Black Dress.” Yes, those were evil times for me, but it was a trick title to talk about the Wonderful World of Cockroaches. As the scientists say, the cockroach has survived the test of time through all of the nuclear winters and ice ages the planet Earth has to offer. Yes, probably would survive the famous Raid product. Sad, but true! Cockroaches on the top on the hate list for most domesticated households. I am not sure why.

The first writing title of this event on cockroaches was about my mother. My mother was a pretty cool mom. Like most moms, she could tolerate many things from earthquakes to mold on the cheese in the refrigerator. She was the greatest. Somehow, nothing seemed to truly bother her. My brother, Mike, would bring home, snakes, lizards, frogs, and turtles. Of course, this would not faze my mom! But it was one sunny afternoon when my mom actually lost it. I remember sitting in the kitchen, when a rather large cockroach decided to crawl up the kitchen wall. If you do not know anything about the Florida cockroach, they are usually about an inch or seven. They seems to skip the biological clock cycle. My mom took the presence of the mighty cockroach as threatening. Maybe, she received sexual advance from it? My mom freaked out, and batted it off the wall. The next thing I see, she is tossing every cleaning liquid on the floor to drown the poor little cockroach. Of course, this failed, so my mom started to toss napkins across it. Then, she proceeded to smack it with the end of her high-heel shoes. Of course, the roach was like Rasputin, surviving all of the tortures only to be stepped on with the sound of a crutching potato chip, thus ending the reign of terror of the cockroach. It was a shame.

The feeling that my mother past was the cockroach feel though me. I was living in the Wonderful World of Myrtle Beach, when I started to have a roach problem. Let’s get it straight ahead of time, Palmetto Bugs are cockroaches! Someone, thought it was funny to replace the name so it did not sound so bad. I know the difference. So why would I be afraid of the little cockroach? Well, one thing is that the common cockroach in South Carolina it the size of a beaver. Two, I did not expect the roaches to fly. Yes, they can fly! I am sure that this frightens someone! Of course, my apartment decided to have a roach problem. It was no big deal. Uravick the Turtle got the has some free protein! Go figure!

Well, I want you as a reader to experience my cockroach fear. Just imagine that you are sitting there quietly watching Dawson’s Creek. Don’t ask. Imagine you are watching a wonderful program on TV when you are interrupted by a noise that sounds like bi-plane passing your window. Now, you know you must be on crack, because the window is, in fact, closed. It does not happen again in a few minutes. Then, you hear the same noise. You are now at that scary movie point of “What in the hell is that?” That is when you see it: a cockroach. Of course, if you are as stupid as me, you would name it instead of kill it. My roach was named Mervin. He would walk across the floor, but refuse to cross over any object. It was fun! I had him trapped in a box made of notebook paper. It would refuse to cross the paper. Who knows why? In either case, he invited all of his 40,000,000 cousins to my home. Uravick the Turtle wais not nice too them.

In honor, of my mom, all the cockroaches must die! She definitely would have lost it during those Terminix Commercials where the cockroach is on the screen. I wonder how much the cockroaches get for commercials? It is not important. Really though, be nice to the roaches; they mean no harm. They just are looking for equal rights!

Skibicki