The Nappy Cat Chronicles

I was just reminded today when I got of work about racoons. Why, you may ask? Because one ran across the front yard of my home. I always thought racoons would be a cool pet. Someone once told me that they are alot like cats. But I found a new reason to like them, and that was Bailey, my amazingly stupid dog. But before I tell you this scary tale, I must tell you the background of it first. There is always a background to any story.

Within the last six to seven months, my dad has been campaigning to stop the local wildlife traffic. We have a man-made pond with stupid goldfish swimming in it. Since the gold fish aren’t too bright with the exception of their color, they make easy targets for birds, racoons, and opossums. So we borrowed a rather large bear trap, I mean, squirrel trap to catch the creatures of the wood. I must say that the makers of this one squirrel trap must have had some big squirrels in their area. The plan was simple, set the trap and use the tunafish brand “Chicken of the Sea”, because no respectible animal would come after anything else. So for the first night, we (Dad and I) tested the trap and caught something almost an hour after it was set. My dad was excited since it was still daytime. After going to the trap, we realized something funny. Bailey, the family dog, was in the trap with his tail down realizing his stupidity. It was great for a dinner topic. My step-mom, Miss Laura was in constant denial that our dog was dumb. We proved that that day.

Anyway, we did catch alot of animals in the beginning of our campaign. Since it started to slow down, we stopped trapping for a couple of months. It was only recent when we started trapping again. The local neighborhood Preschool burned down, so they where rebuilding it with homes. So all the friendly animals we caught, came back to us. Why, because we let them all go right at that very spot. So to get to the point about racoons, there is a little secret that racoons do not want you people to know. Racoons can bark like a dog. I know I said that they act like cats earlier, but I heard it with my own ears. It was one scary, stormy, bleak morning, when I brought out a shovel to inspect the evil trap. It was to protect myself for the ……..okay, not-so-evil racoon. It just sat in the trap, peaceful. The first reaction was just like my neighbors: “Oh, He’s alive.” Then, Bailey, the Wonder Dog, came over to say “hi” to the thing. The racoon hissed at it, and then, barked. It scared me shitless, because I was not expecting that for a racoon. I always remembered the Disney version of racoons, smart and nice. But for whatever reason, the racoon felt threaten by Bailey who was half the size of the racoon. Never you mind the giant human staring at you! I think that the racoon could feel Bailey’s stupidity like the Force in Star Wars. The racoon’s IQ was draining towards the dog. In either case, he did not like Bailey, and gave him a Five-Fingered-Discount-Slap through the cage! I wanted to keep it just for Bailey entertainment. You know, Bailey thought it was playing the whole time. Dumb Dog!

Skibicki

Well, it happened again! I’m forced to write about the government again. It happens, but it is not what you think. Usually, people like to make fun of the federal government where such things as George W. Bush are such great targets! Well, I assure you that states have there own too. So what started this? I found out that after living my first few weeks up in the state of New York that South Carolina is stalking me. I should just issue a restraining order against her! According to the state of South Carolina, I am still living in their state without any car insurance. They send me a bill for $75 for the lapse of my car insurance. I guess Georgia forgot to mention certain matters, which figures! It is not like they are friendly to each other anyway! So I am going to say it! Thank God, the South did not win the Civil War! Some of you out there in the South are still upset perhaps. “The South was fighting for state rights!” Yes, the right to claim themselves as the root of all screw-ups.

As of most state related stories I write about, the DMV is our friend in this tale. The first mistake I discovered while moving back to Georgia was the lack of communication. According to Georgia, my father still owned my car, even though he sold it to me in South Carolina. Translation: there were two titles to my car existing at the same time. My dad and I could have sold my car to two different people legally in two different states. I thought that was pretty cool. I was actually thinking of listing a title for my car in each state just for fun. Maybe, that would start another Civil War.

What it comes down to is the fact that state governments run on state documents, which are usually lost and recycled to be used as that really horrible toilet paper used in rundown gas stations. It is not like they mean to be bad at filing; it is just the workers. Just for fun, name all of the government workers you know. I can think of one, Reggie, the mail man at my old house in Marietta. But he is a federal worker. The point is that no one either admits working for the state. They are slightly ashamed of it so they never have fun. And people who work at a place they hate lose paperwork. For once, I would like to see an overly happy DMV worker. It is not going to happen!

Let me explain how poorly state systems are ran! I have a fraternity brother named Lewis Marks. Lewis is normally a pretty laid back fellow being that he was the only black man from West Virginia. He once made the statement that he stayed in shape from all of the running from the Klan. It is messed up, but true: In the end, the Klan got him on his license. According to the South Carolina, Lewis Marks, does not, in fact, exist! It is true. In South Carolina, Lewis was required to bring with him a birth certificate to the local DMV. It is really a rat hole in the middle of the country, but it is a DMV. The lady there proceeded to tell him the bad news about his non-existence before me. I assure you that is was not pretty and could have been an episode on the Twilight Zone. She told him that, because his doctor’s assistant signed his birth certificate instead of the doctor myself, so he could not possibly be Lewis Marks. It is amazing, but true. Of course, we will never know, since the doctor and his assistant are both dead. Either way, I am sure they would not have been able to recall a daily event as far back as a day in 1980. Hell, most people where just getting over the 1970’s hangover! The good news is that he now has a great loop hole on how to get out of paying taxes!

So what did we learn today. State governments are stupid and cheaper by the dozen! But then again, most governments are! My favorite is how a state needs millions of dollars to destroy a bridge. Just go to Wal-Mart! You can find anything there to take out bridges! Of course, we can always look at prime examples of government like Governor Arnold in California. Either way, just remember: Stupid is as stupid does! Maybe, you could be governor, too!

Skibicki

I was watching another classic Sci-Fi movie the other day known as Robo Cop What a great movie. It was one of the few movies that got away with having commercials and their own TV show inside the movie. It was later tried again in that movie “Starship Troopers”, but did not have the same thought! But what interested me was the fact that if it was stupid, the goofy guy surrounded by beautiful women would say that he would buy that for a $1.00. Though, prices are going up in our country for fun things such as oil and even the dollar stores are $2.00, I still think there are things that should be worth just a dollar. Well, after saying that, this is my list!
Things that should be a $1.00 and much lower!

Sequels to cartoon movies such as The Land Before Time and The Lion King. You have got to agree with that! They just aren’t drawn the same!

1. A gallon of gas!
2. Albums by 50 Cent!
3. The series Moonlighting with Bruce Willis. What was he thinking?
4. The third Batman. Val Kilmer should have never been Batman!
5. Disco music. Yes, that means the Bee Gees, too!
6. Based on shear optimism, a six pack of good beer!
7. Paychecks to the actors of the Teletubbies. They are killing kid’s brain cells!
8. The actual Dollar Store’s prices after tax!
9. A driver’s license. There is no reason to have this cost $15 to $20 dollars when the DMV worker just presses one button to make it.
10. Godzilla movies! (Just so I can buy them all in one day!)
11. The Atari system! I know it is now an antique, but I don’t pay antique prices!
12. The national debt. We should just start over, since we owe ourselves anyway!
13. France!
14. The total amount of money all together to pay for tolls on The Garden State Parkway!
15. Alabama.
16. Carrot Top’s career.
17. Newspapers
18. The Scooby-Doo movies.
19. While we are at it: The Fat Albert movie. I don’t even think it is out, but it doesn’t matter!

Well, there you have it! I feel a little better. I did another count down like Casey Kasem. By the way, his daughter is hot! She is definitely more that a dollar’s worth! In either case, if you would like to list you dollar list, please e-mail me at dskibicki@hotmail.com. Because we all know that I’d buy that for a dollar unless it is 50 Cent’s tracks from iTunes!

I am not sure how it occured in my mind, but someone mentioned that they wanted to know about my childhood, so I found a childhood perspective today. I went to two different inventories for work which ended in North Point Mall. Anyone who knows me knows that I do not do well in malls, especially went I am single. Too many girls around at one time, and they all have boyfriends, are married. or have the special someone that is usually too stupid to realize that the girl likes him. These are usually the males with a common sense of a nut! I would like to make the statement for those girls having problems telling that Special Someone: Buy a gun and shoot them in the foot, then say you love them. It will definitly get their attention!

Anyway, back to the point. I remember a simple time when love was just love between two people. There was no pressure other than rejection. Now, it seems to have every problem from she is too far away to you are broke, your car is not good enough or your dating habits are too cheap. What happened? That is when I remember Lovebugs. For you guys laughing, they are real, just not as pleasant. When I was five, I used to think of love as the Lovebugs did. In Florida every year, little black Lovebugs would cause air-traffic-control problems and litter cars with their bodies. They were annoying if you clean your car alot. Anyway, they always would find their soulmate, connect(have sex), and die together. Lucky for us, relationships do not happen that quick unless you are a moviestar, and we do not die directly after that! But it was simple, and I thought it should work that way for everyone. By first grade, my view of the Lovebug Theory died with this girl named Maria. She was a Puerto Rican girl who sat across the room from me. We hit it off so-to-speak. She would blow kisses at me, and I would do the same back. It happened for a week, and then, she left me for another guy. My feelings were hurt for the day. I mean, I could not take it that serious. It was first grade, and we never spoke a word to each other! So I switched classes.

I also had my first view of sex around the time of five. How did I react? It was as pointless to me as a hockey puck in Florida in Summer! But my brother was interested. A five year difference works wonders. But I remember watching it on the porn channel in Florida. It was later when I was actually interested in sex that I watched a porno with my friend, Luke. That was interesting all together. I think it was called the Lost Island of Beautiful Women. It had no plot, and I fell asleep during the middle of it. What can you do? As for my fraternity goes, porno seemed to be the backdrop to a couple of dormrooms. It was like the Weather Channel. I always had the Weather Channel on in my room. I now remember why. Porno music and the Weather Channel music are the same. So if you are with your special someone who is not currently walking because of gun shot wounds, Weather Channel, ladies!

Remember Cooties! I always liked how that one comical guys said it: “Remember when we thought girl had cooties! Now, we know they have cooties, we just don’t give a fuck!” As for me, I liked cooties! My only friend in Florida was a girl named Linda, and we played house all of the time. Sometimes, we would have war games, but mainly House. I had a son and a daughter, and I took care of the bills. I would go to work on a spring plastic pony and bring home dinner which was a bag full of healthy Oreo cookies. I know I should be ashamed feeding cookies to babies. Improv! Okay! Linda was, of course, my daring wife. I got good sex education from her. We would play this game naked! What can I say? And her parents never cared, because they were Hindu. It was amazing to go back to my old house to realize that Linda grew up to be a beach swimsuit model with a double major from the University of Tampa. My dad got the feeling I might be mad at him for moving to Georgia. Why would I be upset?

Anyway, I thought I would sent this message of love: Bring back the love man! And if you should happen to see little black bugs flying together next time you visit Florida, let them be. They are lovebugs!

Skibicki

This is an e-mail dedicated to all of the cows in the world making it a better place.

I was sitting at home after a hard day of work when I watched a commercial for California Cows! They had the motto going something like: “A Good Cow is a Happy Cow.” I thought it made sense. And though few people ever think about them, cows are great animals that should be respected. That’s right. Where else can you find in the world an animal that fit well as a platter at your average dinner table? If you say chicken, that does not count. Chickens are dirty, dirty animals. In either case, cows have it made. And according to the commercial, California Cows are a way to go. Personally, I think it is another addition to the campaign to actually care about California. It is not working.

I would like to introduce my first experience with live cows. Otherwise, it was the first steak dinner I had in Florida when I gained teeth. I found myself being forced into camp at Berry College known as Camp Winshape. It was a youth camp designed for fun sponsored by none other than Chick-Fil-A. They had owned a mountain behind Berry College, which is in North Georgia in the city of Rome, Georgia. You can almost hear the dueling banjos outside of the camp. It either case, it was great. Where else can you go that better preserves the livelihood of cows other than Chick-Fil-A? They actually had cows on campus. That may give you an idea about the surrounding area. I remember it as clear as day. I was walking over to the tennis courts where Ross Cathy, Truett Cathy’s grandson or grandson of the founder of Chick-Fil-A, was waiting to beat my ass in that gentleman’s game. I had to stop, because of the cows that did not “moo” as often as I thought they should have. So I went to pet one of the happy cows. It was at this point, another happy cow, not from California, came over and licked my leg.

It was strange, but it happened. Cows have tongues like sandpaper, and I wasn’t sure if I should file charges for sexual harassment. I thought that it was just too bad I liked beef, because cows are very friendly. But needless to say, I would have more adventures with cows. I still laugh at the campaign that Chick-Fil-A has telling us to eat more chicken.

I decided one Spring Break at Coastal Carolina University to go with my friend, Brian Bailey. Reason, he was from Marietta, Ohio, and I was from Marietta, Georgia. So we thought that was cool. Unfortunately, he ruined the idea with the fact, he was really from Belpre, Ohio. That is very similar to Michael Jackson saying he is still Black! What struck me as interesting was where his house was that he was completely surrounded by cows! They mooed at us as we arrived! Crazy. The crazy thing was watching the cows as I ate hamburgers in their kitchen. The cows watched us. Lucky for me that the cows were dairy cows. They do not seem to mind too much.

That was the first time I was surrounded by cows.

The second time occurred during the Great Flood, I mean, Hurricane Floyd. As I got to my second semester of college, a rather large hurricane stirred up forcing the local residence to bring up Hurricane Hugo, again. It is a constant event. Hurricanes equals Hugo stories! After living there for six years, I was hoping that a Category 17 hurricane would hit South Carolina just to get them off the Hugo subject. In either case, I was forced to leave the area, I was upset about this, because I was willing to watch a hurricane throw my 98 Honda Civic/Go-Kart into my second-story dorm. It would have been a neat way to go? So I took my later-to-be-girlfriend, Denise with me to go to Greenville, SC. It is amazing how green it really is! When we got to our exit, I needed to go to the bathroom, so I stopped at the local Fountain Inn, SC CVS. It was surrounded by cows in the middle of nowhere. I am not sure why. To top it off, I also had to get a key just to use the bathroom with a wooden block attached to it like I was going to steal it. It also had a combination lock, too. Maybe, it was a secret military base?

So as you can see, I have a lot to say about cows. As Skibicki Research goes, I have to tell you that cows are very useful. They supply food in the form of beef and liver. They supply us with milk for our habit on drinking Chocolate milk. And no, there are no chocolate milk cows! Also, we use them for cheese, mushrooms (cow dung), Soil (Also Cow dung), live lawn mowers, Gateway Computer boxes, Car Seat Covers, and Chick-Fil-A campaigns. So there is a lot of uses for cows. And for all of those cow-lovers out there, they are also responsible for the development of Chocolate! Other uses are cow-tipping, bullfights, and decoration. What Skibicki Research also shows is that Florida recently has the most cows finally beating Texas. Now, if they can only beat the Hispanic and Old People population? It happens! So whether it is “Beef: It what’s for dinner” or owning a happy cow from California, Mooooooooooo!

Skibicki

Yes, it is that time of year again when all the Mad Drunks claim their heritage from their Mother Country, Ireland. God help us! Yes, this Thursday is St. Patrick’s Day! You thought I might forget, but I probably have some Irish in me as well. It is just that the luck part has not shown up in a while. Of course, this St. Patrick’s Day will be different like last year’s. Last year, I was fired from Subway ended my strong career as a Sandwich Artist. I was not that heart-broken, but it was over putting two more olives than I was suppose to on a sandwich. Oh, darn! In either case, this one is different, because it is lacking one element: Where in the hell is all the green! That is right! Mother Nature is not a drunk and does not celebrate St. Patrick’s Day in New York, but all of the people do! All I can see is brown and white as far as the eye can see with exception of the weird pink house in the middle of Troy, NY! In the South, it may not be that green, but it was at least trying to be. It is like that sick joke where Greenland has no plants and Iceland does! Here, life in the form of plants is silent. I guess I will have to live with it!

In either case, the Capital Region is ready for another reason to get drunk! It shares it’s excitement by talking about it two weeks in advance. It is like Christmas, but without the traffic jam, unless it is in front of a liquor store. I got to find out about more facts of St. Patrick’s Day like the most Irish City other than in Ireland is Ocean City, MD. I can see that! They have lots of Bingo! 28% of population of Ocean City, MD is Irish. Does that not sound high? I always thought that Boston or Chicago would have beaten them by a long shot. Oh well! Shows what I know!

So what is the deal with St. Patrick’s Day, anyway? I am glad you asked! According to most people, St. Patrick was a saint, go figure, who ridded the island of Ireland of snakes. Thus, St. Patrick started the first pest control business! Well, without causing to many bar fights and revolutions, Skibicki Research has discovered that that idea is in fact wrong. Just hold your fire, until I get you more angry to blame someone else. The History Channel suggests that St. Patrick was, in fact, not even Irish! He was British! He was born there, and somehow captured by drunken Irish Raiders and taken to Irish prison for six years. This could be the first act of the IRA, but I could be mistaken. Somehow, after trying to leave the country, he stayed. The Irish whiskey and women probably got to him, so he lost all motivation to swim to Britain.

I can see some questions arising! So what about the snakes, and what is the deal with the shamrocks AKA clovers? Well, I will also have to break the bad news! There were never any snakes in Ireland to begin with. As for the shamrock, clovers were considered a holy plant representing the coming of Spring. It was also a way of showing Irish pride to piss off the British that were ruling at the time. Good job, guys! St. Patrick also may have used the Shamrock to describe the Trinity idea in Christianity. So after quite a walk, St. Patrick received messages from God, so he became a devote missionary. He liked to use metaphors! Metaphor: A description of something with the use of a similar object or idea used for better understanding. He used a lot of them. Snakes just happened to be Pagan Religions. He was respected for blending Christianity with the culture of the native Irish. So St. Patrick’s Day is a celebration of his death date on March 17th. In a way, that is depressing.

We seem to be skipping something?

Ah! How can we forget the little people! Leprechauns! Other than becoming one of the worst horror movie ideas in this century, leprechauns came from Detroit, I mean, Irish folklore as the word “lobaircin”, meaning small people. It came from Celtic belief in fairies. Of course, these were evil, self-centered fairies that constantly tricked people to keep them from their Lucky Charms cereal. It did not work, but you can’t say they did not try. Originally, leprechauns were never part of St. Patrick’s Day. You can thank Disney for that! So leprechauns became a permanent addition to St. Patrick’s Day. No wonder why they are grumpy! Can you imagine their drinking tolerance?

Anyway, I wanted to wish everyone a Happy St. Patrick’s Day in advance, because we know that you are not going to be sober enough to read! Just have fun and watch out for the leprechaun rap. It is horrible, and be careful!

Skibicki

P.S. Happy Birthday, Michael Slattery!

It finally happened in my little short life. I finally got a Cell Phone. If you think there is nothing wrong with that then you have been trained. In today’s modern world, the Cell Phone is everywhere and nearly outnumbers the South Carolina State Bird, the Mosquito, ten to one. I used to call it a problem, but not I am unable to speak loudly about it. I am like one of you now: a slave to the phone company. I nearly dread the day when I can’t get away from the ringing! Of course, that is all based on the fact that I would be popular. Well, NASA landing another space probe on a moon, so why not? But it was something bound to happen, but it was my own choosing.

I moved to the wonderful world of Cohoes, New York with the free thought of being Cell Phoneless. Why do I dislike the Cell Phone so much, you may ask. One could say that all my fender-benders to my car where resulted by people talking on Cell Phones. Another could be the constant interruption of the ringing while I am trying to do the hopeless thing of hitting on a female. Maybe, I just seen people getting ruder about things. Example: I was sitting with a group of friends, when one of them kept getting a call from this same person. The friend ignored it after three times. So I asked wondered why anyone would give out there number to someone they would constantly ignore. There is still no answer to this question like why we really pay taxes. So this sounds like a complaint! It could be, but I must keep on the down low , so my Cell Phone can’t hear.

In either case, my Cell Phone search began as an adventure. I remember the happy town of Atlanta, GA having stores and stands for Cell Phone sales everywhere they could. I am sure that they would have put a stand in the Subway I ate at for lunch last month. They just have had time to yet! And they were Hell bend to get me. It was the one group of people that showed me any attention. It was a thing I missed about leaving Myrtle Beach, SC. MCI was always campaigning for my money with long distance. It was great. At one point, they actually rivaled my dad in how many calls I got per week. I always like to mess with them , too!

“Hello, I am a representative for MCI. Are you or is the head of the household available?”
“What can I do for you?”
“Well, we wanted to check up on how your long distance is working for you. Do you have a long distance plan?”
“No, I sure do not!”
“Well, what about in case of emergencies or relatives?”
“Well, lady, I would say to go ahead and give me a long distance plan, but I am just robbing the place!”

It is classic moments like that that made my day. I love MCI. You are great, but I fell into the Cell Phone hole, which was not easy. A person once said that if you look for something, you will never find it. This is nearly true for the Cell Phone. I went fifteen miles for my present home to find a place that sells a Cell Phone, which was one of those local malls in the Capital Region AKA Albany, NY. It is amazing that Atlanta is not called that, too. I guess Macon, Ga does not rival Atlanta like New York City! In either case, they were all together in one mall not even trying to sell their product like they knew I was coming.

My first stop, Verizon Wireless. What a nice deal they had for me. They gave me all the answers to my questions similar to what MCI did, but without the call. The problem was my credit check, which was without any Credit Card use, because I am avoiding Credit Cards like the wind. In either case, that was all that mattered. Not paying rent or bills. They wanted me to pay them a deposit of $500.00 based off my missing credit card report. So the answer of “No” was screaming in my ears. I am still deaf from this.

It was then, I went to Nextel. Like most companies, they listen to the part about wanting something. What I wanted was simple, a phone. I did not need any features such as a locater, a walkie-talkie, George Clooney’s home address, or the ability to text message people. It did not matter, because he gave it to me anyway. At least, it was the same price. So instead of taking a phone home with me, I had to wait for it to show up in the mail. It was no big deal. My thousands of unknowing fans just had to wait awhile for me. So now I have the Thing! I was the last in my family to get one. It happens!

So my first act of business with my new friend, the Cell Phone, was to call my dad to tell him my new number. After hearing about all the features I will never use on my Phone Buddy, I decided to let my dad know my new phone number. Then, it happened! Like most things that annoy me, I got Nextel to tell me the same thing as the only Puerto Rican person in Albany, NY told me, the same features. So after a twenty minute conversation to burn up those valued minutes, I got to talk to my dad. So now the problems begin! I will be a slave to time every time someone calls me. Will I go over my minutes? So now, you all know that I love my Cell Phone Buddy. I just wanted to let all my fans out there know that I have one, so that you can call while I am sleeping, driving, going to the bathroom, and writing more wonderful works of writing art. And if you should call, please, speak up! I may not hear very well!

Skibicki

Today, I walked into a CVS to get a my film developed at a record time at the One Hour Photo Lab. How quick was it? It took the one lady a total of twenty minutes to do that! I was simply amazed about it. And it is moments like these that remind me why I bother to write e-mails like this! Of course, like most places that sell food and drugs that can knock out a horse, I was compelled to go to my favorite section of the store: the Tabloids. Where else can you really get entertainment in News such as there! As usual, I look for the shocking ones that make me laugh. My favorite still to this day was “Two Hundred-Foot Jesus Appears In Washington DC!” But there was an article in it today that hit me personally. There was a guy in it that had written a book about Nebraska. Why? He states in the local tabloids that Nebraska, in fact, does not exist. It starts with the question: Do you know anyone from Nebraska? Please, don’t think too hard! So I started asking my friends. No one knew anyone from Nebraska. The only record of this state is the Huskers that beat up some teams in football, and that Bruce Springsteen came out with an album called “Nebraska.” So where is this state, and what tourists traps await us there?

With those concerning questions on our minds, I decided to look to Skibicki Research the answers. As the story goes, Nebraska was last seen heading south in the middle of the country, also known as the Midwest. The Midwest was once referred to as the West back in the day before the discovery of mountain climbing. Either way, according to the internet, the state of Nebraska has all the works for being a state. It has a capital and a constitutional government that taxes the few residence of six! They also have their own State Flag, which is a flag. The good news is that they even added extra features to impress the few tourists accidentally lost themselves on their way to Florida. They have two State Mottos, instead of one. They call it “The Cornhusker State” and “The Tree Planting State”! I can see questions! A cornhusker is a person who harvests corn. Of course, every state has lots of corn fields. I guess Nebraska is just a corny state, Ha, Ha! Sorry! Also the “Tree Planting State!” I can understand questioning this. Every time you see the Midwest, it is just a large never-ending field! Tornado Factor! Besides, State Mottoes never make sense like Georgia being the Peach State. I still have never seen a peach grow in Georgia. Of course, they did fight off so other states to get the State Tree as the American Elm! It was a light Tornado Season.

Either way, they do have such quality features such as the State Flower: the goldenrod a.k.a. possible ragweed! They have their State Bird, which is the meadow lark. The even went as far as to have a State Grass on behalf of the lost tourists: Little Bluestem. They actually picked a grass! Their State Insect is the Honey Bee. I have to object to that! I have seen them before. That can’t be their’s! I suggest that the other states look into this. They are also the only known state to claim the Channel Catfish as the State Fish. Nebraska also has a State Soil. It is not worth mentioning further than that! Their State Soft Drink is Kool-Aid! I did not know that was considered a Soft Drink. They also have a State Beverage: Milk! That explains the Soft Drink. They have a State Fossil: The Mammoth, which was also last seen heading south! Pretty much, that was all the information that Skibicki Research can come up with. The guy who wrote the extremely short essay about the missing Nebraska. It has been found by The Grateful Dead, which played a concert I have in the early seventies. Needless to say, they have no idea how they got there. What a strange trip that had to have been!

Whether Nebraska exists or not, some tabloids have some true to them. This one mentioned a woman who had a two hundred pound tumor removed. So people say that that would be impossible, but it made it on the Health Channel while I was living in Atlanta. So now, I have to question whether there is a Nebraska or not. Maybe, that is where the US military lost the Weapons of Mass Destruction! Just watch out for Nebraska!

Skibicki

Well, I have to say that each time I watch T.V., I am amazed of the Human Race. As usual, I was wa watching College basketball when the game was interrupted by commercials. Normally, this slightly annoys me, but then, I saw it. There is a commercial for the “Geek Squad”! I am not making this up! I should get an advertisement cut in pay for mentioning it! So what is the Geek Squad? Well, this is another social event that proves that we are all going to become computer geeks. The Geek Squad is like the UPS of computer mechanics. The commercial shows them using GPS signals to locate computer problems within the Northern Hemisphere. They just have not found my Portrait Studio computers yet. Bastards. Of course, there also may be no hope for my computers anyway? Either case, it is great, they all put on their glasses practically loosing it over a possible system failure, and jumping into new Volkswagen Bugs speeding to the quote-unquote “Scene of the Crime.” They even carry badges like they were in the show Dragnet! Crazy! But in a way, it was cool. We can now respect the nerds of our generation. It can be a good thing.

So as I looked at this commercial, I thought of how cool the human race has moved from the early years of the Caveman to the prospering society of what we are today. Or have we? We did elect Bush? As much as I may want our world to change, there are still some main things that us humans still do. We are creatures of habit. I found that the reason we do not really move ahead as far as the Alien Races that fell into the Area 51 Tourist Trap is based on our habits. I want everyone who reads this to do something for fun. Go to a Wal-Mart food court, which have all turned into Dunkin’ Donuts up here, and watch the customers. It is great! When I am at work, I have to hand out fliers when I am not taking pictures for advertising. What Skibicki Research has found is that we all still migrate. Laugh, if you will but it is true! If you ever worked a retail job, you always noticed that you had waves of people. It is not an accident. While I was passing out fliers, I learned that if the first person in a group says “no” to a flier, the rest of the group will also, even if no one knows each other. It works the same with yawns and the shopping isles at the grocery store. Of course, it is more noticeable when the grocery stores are designed correctly. I used to go the opposite way just to mess with people.

So what did this have to do with the Geek Squad? Not a thing, but it was fun to mention anyway. At first, I thought the “Geek Squad” was just a joke for the company. There is no way they would actually own a brand new Volkswagen Bug! It is not like they are Batman. “Quick, to the Geek Mobile!” But then, I was cut off by one on the way to work. They do exist and drive like Bats out of Hell! It was rather surprising, but I guess it could happen. I was just hoping that it was heading to my Portrait Studio to fix my computer. They might have a tool for it, but I would suggest using a hammer. I still have my Super-Duper, Heat-Seeking, Never-Missing, Aerodynamic, Light-Weight, Ultra Skibicki Hammer in reserve for such an event. I mean, it worked for my first car! Why not?

So if you are having trouble with your computer, and the hammer is not working, call the Geek Squad! Maybe, they can get great discounts on new Volkswagen Bugs. In either case, I want my cut for this advertisement!

Skibicki

It is official! I am now another member of the Wal-Mart community once again! It happens! The good news is that I do not work for Wal-Mart. You are now looking at a new Level One Photographer for a company called PCA Portrait Studios. But I still have my name tag listed under Wal-Mart Portrait Studio to satisfy the Retail Nazi Giant. I figured that I could live with it, even if it seems like a derogatory thing. At least it is not K-Mart! But what I found is that if you are a male that would like to have a family one day, this is a great outlook on it. This is one of the few jobs where you get a one on one experience with the little demon children from the Children of the Damned to the wonderful cute kids that everyone seems to want to take home with them! I guess some kids are looked at like puppies. To bad, they grow up! And it is definitely work.

What I am listed as is a photographer, but like most jobs, there is a little more to it. I went through a good two week training to find out what it is about. According to the job title, I take pictures of people. Really, that is all anyone will really tell, but there is more. In truth, you are a Sales Associate / Photographer / Cashier / Babysitter / Safety Manager. As above, I would like to make something clear. There are no Children from the Damned. There are, however, their parents. I found myself during a photo shoot wondering if the parents really wanted the pictures done for their son or if they just wanted to be difficult. I think they were DMV Employees! Really, the worst part of the job are the two year old children. Mothers out there, take note: Don’t bother having pictures done by of your two year old if there is a male photographer. For learning purposes, I will tell you why. At the age of two, kids start an amazing event! They learn their emotions and become very aware! Of course, you mothers never help. Somehow, two year olds start to notice who really is family and who is not! What is really the problem is the bad Karma us guys have. Have you watched the Lifetime Network! This is always classic. According to the Lifetime Network, to this day, all kidnappers happen to be us guys! So that is what we teach our children growing up. A stranger is always a male even in cartoons! As a reality, women are more responsible for kidnapping than males are. Reason based on the women who can’t have children or lost a child. They may pick out a child that looks like their lost child or a child they dreamed of. It is sad, but true. Either way, I am a scary looking guy to begin with, so it does not help. It is not to say that I look like Rambo, but I could probably pull it off after some 6 months of constant weigh training!

Okay, enough of all the learning! I know you are wondering about the title. I watched for the first time in a while, Scooby-Doo. We all know and love Scooby-Doo! Where else are you going to find such entertaining characters with the munchies than with Scooby-Doo other than that movie “PCU!” Well, to my surprise, they remade another round of Scooby-Doo with the writer off the drugs. He should have never bothered! But to this day, there is still no child that is untouched by Scooby-Doo and their Scooby Snacks. I guess that is what bothered me. There were no Scooby Snacks in the New Scooby-Doo. In either case, I went to a new store in the Clifton Park, NY Wal-Mart, which had a computer system older than Scooby-Doo. It certainly makes this computer that I am typing on look like a the God of the Information Revolution! But it was okay, because I got to photography some very cute little girls that helped me discover the new word that makes kids smile. If it was not for the talking dog being the hit to watching Scooby-Doo, it was the phrases! I got to use the word, “Zoinks” as a way to get kids to smile today. It was great! Definition: Zoinks!: 1. An excited expression of surprise! 2. A cartoon way of saying Holy Shit! Of course, other great hits was “Jeepers Creepers”, which turned out to be a scary movie later, which still makes no sense, and “Ginkeys.” What “Ginkeys” means is beyond me? I am not even sure if it is spelled correctly. In either case, it was great to get smiling faces from the kids!

Other than parents and the terrible twos, the only thing that I really dislike about my job are the 80’s computers. You know when we had that Y2K scare, these were the computers they were talking about. So far, I have found that every PCA location has their very own old system. The first layer of dust from 1990 still looks very new on these computers. Of course, I do not know who thought of it, but their are three different systems linked together at one store. An 82 Apple computer, a 92 Mac, and a band new Dell for the register. I am sure you are wondering as much as me. How did they do that? I would tell you but there were 13 Ethernet connections and two hundred feet of cable tied together to represent some unseen 3-D art! Well, at least two of the computers match. They both have that wonderful matching white that is now Ivory White with a hint of Pee Yellow. I think they were trying to match their Grandma’s Kitchen stove or something. Besides. what fun would it be if we worked with a computer that actually did something quicker than five minutes. It definitely is a great Ice-Breaker for conversations while it is using it’s one megabyte that runs on gerbil power!

In either case, my new job as a photographer has been interesting. Maybe, I will be blessed with a system melt down when it is all said and done. Until that time, all I can say is “Ginkeys!”

Skibicki

P.S. I am surprised the Scooby-Doo gang did not invest in a gun after the first monster/ghost!

Please, disregard the statement above if you are lactose intolerant! Today was a first for me in a while. I decided to eat the wonderful world of ice cream. I somehow felt in the mood after deciding to move to Albany, New York. I imagined my first reaction moving up there as a snow flake. One snow flake: neat! Two: wonderful. Three: paralyzed traffic in Atlanta. Four trillion inches: a pain in the ass to drive in. For some reason, the thought of cold weather made me hungry for ice cream, so I went to the local Dairy Queen that sells hot dogs? I was not aware of that, but they do. I do not know what started my interest in cold weather. I am sure it has to do with living in the South. The neatest thing to see was snow in Florida. It was not real snow, because it did not stick! But I still love it! During the Blizzard of ‘93, I was willing to go outside in the snow even when it was lightning. That was pretty cool. My dad had built my hopes up when he told me in his depressed manner last year that he cold not see the tennis court nets from December to May.

In reality it is hard to imagine actual cold, since it has happened to me a few times. Most of the “Cold Snaps” in my life did not involve snow. It was just plain cold. Right now, it is one of the first actual cold days in a row for me in Atlanta in a couple of years. The last extreme cold day I had was when I went to a Concert with my girlfriend, Denise a few years back. It was one of those cold days that I expect up in New York to be common. We went down to go see Widespread Panic for the New Year Show or one of them. It was at this point, Atlanta had built the new Phillips Arena, so everyone who has ever seen a New Year’s concert could get lost and confused, which is what exactly happened! After the show, we were shoved through the Marta Railway to go to the Dunwoody Station closer to where my parents live. Problems: there are two trains that go that direction: Doraville and Dunwoody, Doraville was the only one showing up, and it was a warm 12 degrees outside. We sat there with other soon to be dead Widespread Fans waiting a drop-off station for the Dunwoody train. The nice Marta workers decided after a half and hour to tell us that every other Doraville Train was going to be the Dunwoody Train. In either case, we had to travel back to Myrtle Beach that night to get home. I guess I could have stayed at my warm parents house, but that would be too easy. Denise ended getting sick halfway through the trip. So what does this say about cold. Really, the most amazing thing about that trip was the fact that Denise opened the window while we were on I-20 to freeze two-inch thick later of ice on the car window. I had never seen that happen! More things to look forward to!

Of course, there is nothing like the fun of cold weather. You do not need to be in snow to enjoy. I was at my friend, Richard’s house during a cold spell of 13 degrees outside. We had decided to go where ever in his 84′ Thunderbird which was a rather large Battleship of a car that rivaled most buses! As old as it was, it was really asking too much for the defroster to work! So Richard decided to do the unthinkable! IF YOU DON’T KNOW THIS ALREADY, PAY ATTENTION! He got a bucket of HOT WATER, and proceeded to dump it on the windshield of his car. I was sitting inside to see something that would only seem to happen on National Geographic. I watched ice crystals form in seconds across the windshield like time lapse photography. Then, the windshield shattered into my lap. It scared me shitless, but it brought an idea. Since the water froze so quickly, we started dumping it down his driveway. Through all the anger over his car, we skied down his driveway in our shoes for fun. It was all great until you got to the bottom where you had a quick halt at the gutter.

But we all like cold weather when there is snow. There is sometime magical about it in the South. We are unprepared, so we look forward to the idea of not going to school or work. We are also surprised when it happens. How often does anyone heard the words “snow’ and “beach” together in the same sentence. People from New York and New Jersey are not allowed to answer! The first real experience of this shocked. During my sophomore year at Coastal Carolina University, I came back to my dorm where Denise (As of above) greeted me with excitement about the probably of snow at Myrtle Beach. I told her she had to be on Crack! I did it with good reason, because I was sweating to death wearing shorts and sandals from 75 degree weather. So the next day, I woke up for my 8:30 Art Class and got ready. I took my shower and dressed as I did the day before. When I opened the door, I was confronted with five inches of snow on the ground with the thought that class was canceled. I felt slightly stupid. I guess that is normal for me!

I won’t lie, I love it when it snows! I decided to do something different at college for Spring break, so I went up with Brian Bailey to the Wonderful World of Ohio. I think Drew Carey overrates the place. It was the first place I have ever been that completely surrounding me with cows. In either case, I told Bailey’s parents that I would like to see snow. They looked at me like I was an idiot, which was probably true. Within the next day, my request was granted, and a fresh six inches of snow fell in Belpree, Ohio. His parents were slightly mad. Either way, Bailey and I shoved snow while the cows watched us. So “Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!” When I get up to Albany, New York, I will tell you how fast I find my car after the first snow. ‘Til then, chill out people!

Skibicki