Japan Got A Raw Deal.

It happened again! I went to work with a purpose. One would think it was to make money, but who needs it when the breakroom has movies. When I first started my retail adventure, I thought that it was going to be a boring job. Not only are there hardly anyone in the store, but I do not know much about sports equipment. So what makes the breakroom so great! Kung Fu! That is right! Sports Authority may not have an authority on sports equipment, but there breakroom has tons of Kung Fu! Just the other day, we, as in employees, decided to ignore the pleas of Christmas shoppers and watch Old Dirty And the Bastard. I swear that is what it called! Of course, in Chinese, they translate it as Old Dirty Bastard! As the story goes, there is an old guy who beats up other people, because that is what Kung Fu is about. Sure, you may say that it is really about Inner Truth, but what fun is that! Of course, like most Kung Fu, the writers of the script translated it to Japanese, and then, the English. How nice! Now, we get to see twice the over dubbed expressions of Chinese people. It is a wonder how us Americans get away with it. If there is any reason to go to war with us, it is about our horrible dubbing of Kung Fu movies!But, like most of these e-mails I send, there is even a better reason to go to work. Godzilla! How can anyone forget that lovable happy monster that lives in Japan. The Japanese may have been shafted over the Kung Fu movies, but we never see China get screwed over by Godzilla. Godzilla has been in my life for years. I do not think there has ever been a year where I did not watch a Godzilla movie. If you were not aware, the people of Japan still make Godzilla movies every year. I thought it ended with the movie Godzilla 1985. But no, they can not stop! It is an addiction that know one can handle. I like to think of Godzilla like Bobby Brown's Cocaine intake. It is never ending. With each new year of Godzilla movies comes a new plot involving new monsters! And wouldn't you know it, Godzilla goes to Tokyo for another drunken stupor! I think that the people of Tokyo, Japan should just tap out! Just imagine their insurance. I am sure that there are thousands of Geico Direct commercials running over there!

In either case, the Japanese modernized Godzilla recently. I think the main doll caught on fire, which is a big "No-No" for fire-breathing monsters. It was bad enough that us Americans turned Godzilla into a common fire-breathing lizard. Besides, why can't Godzilla come to America beating up St. Louis or Atlanta. New York gets all the action! So they replaced the old Godzilla with a hardcore stiff version of Him. And the Japanese still use rockets, tanks, and jets against Him like it might change his mind, and send Him to Hong Kong! As much as you may laugh at it, I think it is an insult to the American public. Why? Because we supply all of their military supplies, and they always blame the creation of Godzilla and the other monsters on nuclear weapons, which indirectly points to us at fault!

So back to Kung Fu, because Godzilla is an addicting subject. Besides, if we keep mentioning it, the Iraqi people might start making Godzilla movies. In either case, during my Whitney Breaks, I usually watch Bad Boys II. I see you are all saying what? Explanation: a Whitney Break is another name for a Coke break, which is every employee's first break at Sports Authority. After Lunch, the next break is called a Bobby Break. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are common figures in Sports Authority. It is usually after my Whitney Break when Kung Fu comes to play. Tomorrow's feature presentation is The Five Deadly Venoms! As usual in Kung Fu, all the fighters know each other by their ass-whippings. It was apparent in childhood for the Chinese to know there bullies well in school. They name them by their fighting style instead of by name, which was probably Bob Chung or Mee Echu Out. I watched this film before. One guy started to fight this other guy, which neither the police, nor anyone else know. After two minutes of fighting, one guy had to stop to say: "So I see you are Centipede!" Two more minutes, and Centipede said: "So I see you are White Tooth!" It is all about the ass-whipping! And it is no wonder why most people do not talk badly about the Chinese. They have a entertaining campaign telling us not to mess with them. Douglas McArthur never watched Chung Fu. Otherwise, he would have never suggested on public radio to nuke the Republic of China. Instead, the Chinese decided to kick our ass in North Korea during the Korean War. It happens!

So in the end, I can only say thanks to both the Japanese and the Chinese for their movies, their food, and the Laundry System in our country. They have suffered enough, and have some sick cartoons. I look forward to the next Godzilla after He messes with China! 'Til the next time, follow the Japanese Traffic-cop to your nearest mountain!

P.S. Why didn't Superman come to the rescue to stop Godzilla? Just a thought.


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