The Nappy Cat Chronicles

So you thought I was down and out, but as the story goes, the only thing that is certain is Death and Taxes. So it brings great terror to remind you all of our favorite American duty: Taxes. Everywhere across the country, people are collecting paper work for the big government bite. It is a fun subject to talk about, but the big question stands on why we pay taxes. As the usual explanation goes, it is to pay our government to keep running so we can pay for happy things such as Postal Workers. And who can forget the DMV. Yes, us Americans have the power to provide ourselves with services that we usually hate. It is in Human Nature to do hateful things to ourselves. Which brings us to the IRS, better known as the Blood Sucking Mosquitoes, I mean, Internal Revenue Service. Every year, We, the people pay the IRS. But as Skibicki research shows, there was always something funny about those guys.Question: Can you name all of the people you know that are IRS Agents?

As we all know, there is only one place to find IRS agents: that is at their office. The Government probably uses the Witness Protection Agency to get them out of the building. But there is a reason we do not like them, it just does not seem right that we pay them. So Skibicki Research went further into the IRS. Historically, if there is one thing that the South hated the North for was taxes. Back in the day, the Southerners had issues before the Civil War over large tariffs. Too the surprise to most people, there was another reason to fight the Civil War for the North other than Slavery. The income tax! It was a wonderful idea to pay for wars and other problems, so President Abraham Lincoln invented the income tax along with the IRS. It was one of two agencies that have stood the test of time. The Pinkertons, a secret service agency that protected the president by sleeping through President Lincoln’s assassination, and the IRS. The funny thing is that the IRS is not really a Government Agency. They are like contractors without an end date! Imagine the surprise to the South when the income tax was introduced! It was like John Kerry when we all found out that he was a Lawyer! Cancel that idea!

In either case, our IRS is listed under the US Treasury Department to make us Americans feel good about pay taxes! Then again, the Secret Service is also in the Treasury Department? Maybe, the DMV is too! The point is that, since we now know that they are not part of the government, can we refuse to pay taxes? The answer is “yes”, though there is a lot of Government resistance on this based on the National Debit, which is a bunch of bills that we seem to owe to other countries and ourselves. I am not sure how that works, but it appears to me that our country is listed as the most Powerful Country in the World. So why can’t we just say there is no National Debt? Death!

Another interesting thing that I learned from those IRS buddies is that there are currently about 99,000 active IRS agents in our country, which seem to be more secretive than the Secret Service. I just always wondered how one becomes an agent with the IRS. After looking up a couple of website, Skibicki Research has no answers about that. I figure that they were given a questionnaire that asked questions like “Are you willing to get shot, stabbed, or paper cuts from those 1040 forms?” or “Do you eat Popcorn with Texas Pete Sauce?” We all assume that it is just a paperwork job, but you have to be a little crazy and willing to go skydiving. It has the same dangers. If you can imagine the first IRS Agent, they were probably all carrying guns. Now, they send paperwork through the Post Office, because Postal Workers won’t stand for violence, unless it is their own! I just imagine an IRS Agent to be like Agent Smith from the movie, The Matrix. He always acted like an IRS Agent! They do not seem to laugh much, but at least there is more personality than a DMV worker!

So that is it! I decided to apply for the IRS. I know it is a death wish, but I need to spice up my life! Just remember that Toy Story 2 theme song: “You Got A Friend In Me!” That way, I won’t have to go Postal on you! Just remember, taxes are your friends.

Skibicki

It happened again! I went to work with a purpose. One would think it was to make money, but who needs it when the breakroom has movies. When I first started my retail adventure, I thought that it was going to be a boring job. Not only are there hardly anyone in the store, but I do not know much about sports equipment. So what makes the breakroom so great! Kung Fu! That is right! Sports Authority may not have an authority on sports equipment, but there breakroom has tons of Kung Fu! Just the other day, we, as in employees, decided to ignore the pleas of Christmas shoppers and watch Old Dirty And the Bastard. I swear that is what it called! Of course, in Chinese, they translate it as Old Dirty Bastard! As the story goes, there is an old guy who beats up other people, because that is what Kung Fu is about. Sure, you may say that it is really about Inner Truth, but what fun is that! Of course, like most Kung Fu, the writers of the script translated it to Japanese, and then, the English. How nice! Now, we get to see twice the over dubbed expressions of Chinese people. It is a wonder how us Americans get away with it. If there is any reason to go to war with us, it is about our horrible dubbing of Kung Fu movies!But, like most of these e-mails I send, there is even a better reason to go to work. Godzilla! How can anyone forget that lovable happy monster that lives in Japan. The Japanese may have been shafted over the Kung Fu movies, but we never see China get screwed over by Godzilla. Godzilla has been in my life for years. I do not think there has ever been a year where I did not watch a Godzilla movie. If you were not aware, the people of Japan still make Godzilla movies every year. I thought it ended with the movie Godzilla 1985. But no, they can not stop! It is an addiction that know one can handle. I like to think of Godzilla like Bobby Brown’s Cocaine intake. It is never ending. With each new year of Godzilla movies comes a new plot involving new monsters! And wouldn’t you know it, Godzilla goes to Tokyo for another drunken stupor! I think that the people of Tokyo, Japan should just tap out! Just imagine their insurance. I am sure that there are thousands of Geico Direct commercials running over there!

In either case, the Japanese modernized Godzilla recently. I think the main doll caught on fire, which is a big “No-No” for fire-breathing monsters. It was bad enough that us Americans turned Godzilla into a common fire-breathing lizard. Besides, why can’t Godzilla come to America beating up St. Louis or Atlanta. New York gets all the action! So they replaced the old Godzilla with a hardcore stiff version of Him. And the Japanese still use rockets, tanks, and jets against Him like it might change his mind, and send Him to Hong Kong! As much as you may laugh at it, I think it is an insult to the American public. Why? Because we supply all of their military supplies, and they always blame the creation of Godzilla and the other monsters on nuclear weapons, which indirectly points to us at fault!

So back to Kung Fu, because Godzilla is an addicting subject. Besides, if we keep mentioning it, the Iraqi people might start making Godzilla movies. In either case, during my Whitney Breaks, I usually watch Bad Boys II. I see you are all saying what? Explanation: a Whitney Break is another name for a Coke break, which is every employee’s first break at Sports Authority. After Lunch, the next break is called a Bobby Break. Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown are common figures in Sports Authority. It is usually after my Whitney Break when Kung Fu comes to play. Tomorrow’s feature presentation is The Five Deadly Venoms! As usual in Kung Fu, all the fighters know each other by their ass-whippings. It was apparent in childhood for the Chinese to know there bullies well in school. They name them by their fighting style instead of by name, which was probably Bob Chung or Mee Echu Out. I watched this film before. One guy started to fight this other guy, which neither the police, nor anyone else know. After two minutes of fighting, one guy had to stop to say: “So I see you are Centipede!” Two more minutes, and Centipede said: “So I see you are White Tooth!” It is all about the ass-whipping! And it is no wonder why most people do not talk badly about the Chinese. They have a entertaining campaign telling us not to mess with them. Douglas McArthur never watched Chung Fu. Otherwise, he would have never suggested on public radio to nuke the Republic of China. Instead, the Chinese decided to kick our ass in North Korea during the Korean War. It happens!

So in the end, I can only say thanks to both the Japanese and the Chinese for their movies, their food, and the Laundry System in our country. They have suffered enough, and have some sick cartoons. I look forward to the next Godzilla after He messes with China! ‘Til the next time, follow the Japanese Traffic-cop to your nearest mountain!
Skibicki

P.S. Why didn’t Superman come to the rescue to stop Godzilla? Just a thought.

I heard the worst song ever. It goes out to “all my babies’ mamas.” I thought it would be really funny if this guy (guy, I think) cut an album and covered the song.

In other news, professional wrestling is now “real”. This, much like the XFL, is doomed to fail. Kids want a fictional storyline. They want testosterone driven soap operas. Male idols which they can look up to. And female idols that will do porn.

On the subject of fallen idols, a former male pop sensation recently starred in a Burger King commercial produced by Dave LaChappelle. Perhaps trying to thwart McDonald’s recent “hip” ad campaign with humor and failure.

FOX and porn idol Paris Hilton had her cellphone “hacked” last weekend. Multiple celebrities could not be reached for comment since they had all changed their numbers. We can only hope that our daughters aspire to be as rich and as slutty as you, Paris.

Finally, on the 23rd and 24th, Wilco will be performing at the 9:30 Club in DCal. It will be broadcast via the internet. Isn’t the internet great? Without it, how would I be able to download the latest Lost episode at 9 PM?

P.S. Check this shit out.

It happened last night! It was a thing I could not control, and it was a nightmare! I had a dream where I was doing a never ending inventory for Lowes in the Electronics Department. And reason I mention it to you is the fact that I might make the news as a convicted murderer! Daniel Cooper is going to die! Who is thing strange man, you may ask? He is one of my fellow inventory workers. He is a goofy person from Kennesaw, Georgia. He is also on the few red-neck friends I have in Georgia. As the story goes, he told me during a Lowe’s inventory in Ellijay, Georgia that you will eventually have a “Beeping Dream” about RGIS, the company we work for. Of course, I have to laugh it up, because that sounded stupid. Besides, that was the last full week I worked of RGIS. I started working Sundays only on behalf of the exciting world of Sports Authority where I am the Team Sports God!So what is the deal with things that go “BEEP?” What I am talking about is the Auditor Machine. It is a machine that is belted around your body that also removes your pants. The thing looks like a 1970’s register strapped to your body, so it goes well with any outfit. On the first day of training, a guy name Kim Kimberly told us that we would get used to the idea of hanging this object from our belts. We were also going to be able to type anything in without looking. So with that in mind, I am going to write a story with out looking at the keyboard or the screen to see what I learned.

Ready:

today U ewnt to the stor to dagt at applef or dinner. Id anerrally got int o any accident forna dumbaas who ctuume off . But I amm ojay1

So you can see that with out looking, I am a horrible typist! That is also why I gave Kim a weird look, which he must get often. It did not effect him. So in either case, we also get a laser gun to zap the UPC codes of products like Buck Rogers! And every time you zap a product, it makes a “BEEP” loud and clear to tell you that it has been counted in the system. I can see eager little faces staring in computer screens with questions! What happens when twenty people are counting in less than five feet? Other than the possible sexual harassment, a lot of “beeps” go off at the same time confusing us workers. You have to be a sharp character to run these pieces of crap!

Anyway, my dream started after a wonderful day of Sports Authority. Definition: Wonderful: (adj.)1. a great feeling. joyful, zest! 2. My definition of how a object, place, or person sucks. I was sitting in the playroom of my home watching T.V. when something happened. Mr. Sandman walked in the room declaring that I must sleep. I fell asleep like my dad does. To my horror, another Skibicki trait was passed down to me from my father. My dad cannot stay awake for more than five minutes when he sits down to watch T.V. This is one reason my step-mom refuses to take him to movies. Not only does he sleep, but he sounds off like a saw mill! There are few times I seen him stay awake. The most classic time was when he watched “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?” It is a movie everyone must see on behalf of my dad. So I woke up screaming over the slavery of “beeps”!

Now, I told Daniel Cooper that if I had ever had a dream like that, I would have to kill him. So I am concerned that I must follow through with my promise. If not that, convince his wife to kill him for me. But that maybe cruel and unusual punishment. I guess I’ll have to do a coin toss over it. So if you see me on the show COPS or America’s Most Wanted, be proud to have known me. May your stories of me make you rich! Just don’t call me to do your store’s inventory!

Skibicki

P.S. Beep You!

Hello everyone!I thought I would wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day in advance. It is another one of those holidays that overflow the retail world with a new color scheme! And I am frightened by it! Laugh if you will, but it is a dangerous holiday for us guys, unless you are not single. Even that is not completely safe! So, I am going to say it! Guys, we screwed up! Well, I cannot say that I did! What my fear comes from is all of the single ladies out there on Valentine’s Day. Every year, it would happen like this! I would say Happy Valentine’s Day, and the lady would either hit me or cuss me out about it! At one point, I was sure it was just me, but Skibicki Research came to the rescue! As the research shows, there is a higher percent of relationship break-ups on that day than any other day! Why does this occur? Because there are some stupid males amongst us that pick this holiday to break up! Why not St. Patrick’s Day, so everyone can drink it off?

I remember one day in college at Coastal Carolina University when I was nearly beaten by upset Coastal females. I had pretty much hit a minefield on the Prince Lawn that is in the middle of campus. I did not venture that way to class again. Instead of being rude, I decided to say Happy Wednesday to lighten up things. I had felt so bad after the fact that I had gotten my girlfriend mad at me for not saying Happy Valentine’s Day! So, my Valentine’s Day was just listed as a bad day! But at least 20 of those girls were upset about past breakups as far back as five years! Guys, take note! They remember events better than elephants! Maybe, they are all Republicans!

So, what is Valentine’s Day! According to Skibicki Research, Valentine’s Day came from Roman traditions before their empire fell apart. It was originally from the Festival of Lupercalia dedicated to, go figure, Lupercus! I guess he was the God of Rabbits, not really. Either way, the Romans had an idea of having a Lottery for men. Its winnings: to take whichever lady’s name was drawn from a pile and have sex with her. I am not sure how they got away with that! But it could have added another reason for the potential violence of you young ladies out there! It was later that a Pope, after many possible death threats, made it fair, and made the lottery for both men and women! Which was cool! The unrecorded threats soon stopped! And there was peace then after!

But wait! There is more! Though, many people believed that there was someone beheaded over this day, it did not happen over love, I assure you! In either case, it was thought that during the month of February in the Middle Ages, doves found each other, and fell in love! Skibicki Research has shown that doves are horny nearly all year round. But what does Skibicki Research know anyway? Right ladies! This also convinced us guys to be nice and give during the month of February to the ones they love. Since the Valentine’s Day Festival changed from that Rabbit fellow also happened to be during the same month, it seemed to stick. Valentine’s Day became an official Retail Marketing Holiday! And gardeners everywhere had to keep an extra eye on their rose gardens ever since!

So let me give fair warning! If you are one of those guys that broke up or is considering breaking up with your girlfriend! Stop it! Skibicki Research shows that winter draws out the worst in most people in the cold! If you need help to prevent this event, there are websites devoted to such matters that may even change your mind. It is also a good place to find out how to deal with a break-up whether it happened in 1996 or not! Just remember people, this holiday is about love! Be kind! Be nice! Share the love, man! I’ll come out of the barracks after that day is over!

Skibicki

It happened again, when I turned on my T.V. to find myself watching the American Classic Movie Channel. It has been a good week for that! Why, turn on your T.V. and tune to AMC to find out. I got to watch Mad Max and then, Death Wish 2. They had Death Wish 3, but it is another one of those sequels that most people cannot handle. It is too much, because they were made in the 70’s where the Brady Bunch was still playing on the air waves. But like a lot slightly cheesy action films, I felt the need to watch. Mad Max is a particular classic. It can stand with no plot what-so-ever and people will still watch. For those of you who are saying it is because of Mel Gibson, never mind you! The problem with AMC is that they play all of the movies that were classic, but the sequels were better, or the first one was the best! For those who have never seen a Death Wish movie, you are not missing too much. Somewhere, a famous guy named Charles Bronson became a famous actor. He does not have any real lines in most movies. That was a good thing! Death Wish had such horrible acting that I was laughing during the evil rape scene before Bronson gets a hold of them bad guys. I know that it sounds bad, but it was the music combination with ……………….Laurence Fishburne wearing cool neon pink sunglasses? He was just practicing his role for The Matrix ahead of time!But these movies especial bring most of us guys back to old memories of childhood. You know who you are! I remember when I was a small dorky five year old hanging out with my brother in our living room in Tampa, Florida. We were bored one time, and decided to convince our New York neighbors that Terrorists had taken over the Skibicki Household and were firing off their AK-47’s! Like the motto, “No AK-47, No Stairway To Heaven!” How did we do this? We were big Chunk Norris fans! This was before Walker Texas Ranger, people! So we popped in Delta Force starring Chunk Norris! As usual, in his movies, he is in a low point in his life when a commander of a military service branch needs his help with an issue. Of course, most of these were the beginning of the other Classic Norris films such as all of them! Like my favorite, Invasion USA that receives no air play, since September 11th! In either case, we decide to turn up the sound on our T.V. to full blast so that the machine gun fire sounded really loud! It was too bad that the T.V. was not loud enough to scare even squirrels out side! It figured!

But the great thing about these old Classics was that “What were they thinking when they made this!” thought. The 70’s and 80’s Classic movies always had the cool cheesiness about them. I think it was the music. Every film seemed to lose it in the music! Most seemed like elevator music or waiting room music. I guess it could be considered dramatic? That is probably why you never hear about 70’s soundtracks like the sound track from the movie The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly. We could use that in the Club Scene? Look at 80’s music! Of course, the Delta Force Theme was pretty cool! But it had a lot to do with the era. The shows were just as bad. CHiPS! Remember that theme song! The show was great. It convinced most of the commuters in the world to ignore their Seat Belts in their cars in fear that they may flip their car and it would blow up! It never failed: Flipped car and explosion! One would think that there are just as many firefighters in sunny California as Police officers. There probably is based on CHiPS.

Well………..At one point, there was a point to this! Hold on! I am watching Japanese run for their lives in Godzilla Vs. Mechagodzilla! They are running to the hills right now! There must be caves there or something! Ah yes, how you avoid watching Classic Action Packed Reruns! I know it sounds simple, but just change the channel. If you proceed to have problems, change it really fast, then throw your remote across the room, so you have to fight the force of laziness and AMC at the same time. I know this sounds like a Richard Simmons workout, but it can be done! If all else fails, rent the movie that is on AMC, that way, you get the cut outs and cuss words in the movie. And maybe, then you will look as cool as Laurence Fishburne in Death Wish 2!

Skibicki

But I am experiencing technotranscendence.

We’re back! Contrary to published reports:

Those online during the wee hours of the sleepy Sunday evening before Martin Luther King Day received an unexpected treat when word spread that mysterious (and now disappeared) Nappy Cat Blog had abruptly leaked a complete disc’s worth of tracks from the long rumored, still untitled Beck album (now named “Guero” — slang for “fair-haired white boy” — and slated for a March 29 release).

For whatever reason, we ran a bit over bandwidth last month. So, I had to put the site offline. Skibicki was so heartbroken, he attempted to slit his wrists with a spoon. Which, of course, had him end up in a state ran asylum in New York. Because of an old wager, I lost money on the deal. It has long been speculated that Skibicki would eventually end up in an asylum. I, however, took the high and hopeful road that he would stay out of such a facility before his 30th birthday. Of course, that is what I get for being optimistic.

Now, back to reality, you can expect great nothings from the Nappy Cat Chronicles. More entries will be made and, eventually, the site will be semi-redesigned. I know the anticipation will keep me in stitches. Well, not really.

Anyway, remember.. When all of life’s problems weigh down on you

I was getting really upset today after a lady cut me off by nearly driving me into a median, which does not respond well to 98 Honda Civic. After a quick prayer and some other words of praise towards the lady driving a BMW, I still did not feel satisfied. So I put in a Ween album to calm down. There are a lot of songs out there and groups that can sooth the soul, but mine is all in one song called Zoloft. For some reason, the beat and carefree sound just does something to me. It is a little different from Pink Floyd, since it does not put me to sleep, but it has character. Maybe, it is one of those songs where you actually feel like you were taking that drug.So what is Zoloft? Zoloft seems to be a drug that chemical balances out the effects of Depression. It is known to help people with Depression, Social Anxiety Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. So, pretty much, 90% of Americans need this drug one way or the other. In a way, that does not really answer anything. What seems to be important to me about it is the fact that the product begins with the letter “Z”. Sesame Street barely mentioned that letter. Maybe, it is really popular to the public based on the White Depressed Ball on their commercials. We want to be that White Ball! Maybe, it is a Pac-Man fantasy, but we relate to this little ball based on how we feel. Of course, like most commercials, the FDA has forced this commercial to list the side effects to their product. It always amazes me how the drug companies make out with these side effects. Zoloft’s side effects may include the following: upset stomach, trouble sleeping, diarrhea, dry mouth, sexual side effects, feeling sleepy or tired, tremor, indigestion, sweating, feeling agitated, and having less appetite. In studies, most people did not have to stop taking Zoloft because of side effects. That is what is listed in on their website. Question: What is a tremor? I thought those were listed under earthquakes? Zoloft is pretty good compared to others though. Some drugs might stop diarrhea, but the side effects is slightly short of Death, which is usually listed as a heart-attack or stroke. After Death, the doctors may suggest that you should stop taking this drug. Right?

But besides, my love for a drug I am not currently taking, Zoloft had made it’s name in the Times Union today! Back in the Wonderful World of South Carolina, a fifteen year old boy got a 30 year sentence after murdering his grandparents. Apparently, he said the Zoloft made him do it! Of course, the court did not believe him, because the jury were all White Zoloft Ball fans, but it is still upsetting to hear. Zoloft did not list the “may cause Murdering Side Effects” on their commercial. It will not surprise me if the kid decides to sue Zoloft over that! This is America; it can happen! I am just glad I was not taking Zoloft when the lady cut me off today. According to the case, the boy loaded and shot his grandparents with a shotgun, and torched their house, then drove off in their without being able to control himself. That seems a little far fetched based on the fact that that is a lot of stuff to do while not knowing what you are doing. So I don’t think Zoloft is the criminal this time.

But as the world turns, another drug will be made up with the letter “X” to brighten our lives. Side effects may include itching, sexual side effects, cancer, liver failure, strokes, heart attacks, internal bleeding, possible missions in Iraq, and Death. Ask you Doctor about X-Remia today!

Skibicki

P.S. Where in the Hell did Elmo come from? He wasn’t originally in Sesame Street?