John Denver Has A Christmas Album, And It Is Called HELL.

Dear Christmas Fans,

It has come to my attention that Nov. 14th is the official Christmas music day. It was pretty rough. If you all did not read any e-mails before this, I am currently working at a Sports Authority. It really is not that bad of a job. More or less, what job? I just clean up after people and guess the answers on certain products that explain themselves. But my store has a radio playing at all times. Before the day in question, I heard more Eighties songs than ever including, "She Blinded Me With Science", which everyone should hear. It is a classic! Now, I hear Christmas songs that were accidentally found in the trash section of the Music World. They pulled everything and anything out. Remember the theme song to Charlie Brown's Christmas with the piano. I heard that today! But to complain, I heard all of this music, and my department is out of everything fun about Team Sports!

You know the biggest shocker of working a Sports Authority was the Hockey equipment. I have never been too much into hockey with exception of the fights. Where else can you find stupid people that take off protective gear to punch each other? But they did not have the Jason Mask. Laugh at me if you will, but it is the Jason Mask. Friday the Thirteenth made hockey scary. I remember my brother Mike the best with his hockey mask. In Florida, my brother and I used to play Friday the Thirteenth in our neighborhood with a couple of our friends, Chirs and Carlos. It really never amounted to anything great. We, as in our friends and I, would run from my brother who would be Jason. Of course, if you know the movies, Jason always walked. How did the girls in those movies get killed is beyond me. If you can outrun a snail, you can outrun my brother, I mean, Jason!

I think the girls died in those movies for two reasons. One, to scare young girls! No kidding! And two, to piss off us single guys who are having a hard enough time getting a date! What can you do?

Another thing that bothered me was the different sports seasons. My store does not believe in them. Tennis, what is that? We have no hard court tennis balls when all of the state of Georgia has are hard tennis courts. It is wrestling season for those who care, but we have no wrestle equipment. I just wonder how I am getting paid when no one is buying anything except for cheap Christmas music. I always believed it was a character assassination when a musical artist did a Christmas album. It is one of the main reasons bands go to hell! Drugs, Depression, Money, and Christmas Albums destroy bands we love. Example: Mariah Carey. For those who like Mariah Carey, you cannot dispute this. She had a promised career in music until she did a Christmas Album! Her original record company paid her not to make another album with their label. She has done better, but only after a few hard years after that Christmas. The few bands that survive the Christmas music trend every year come out winners, because someone lost their album before their release. But since my store is so amazing at find these dark secret time gems, I will tell you all when Black Sabbath or Godsmack comes out with a Christmas Album. I am pretty sure I a heard Biohazard do a Christmas Carol today. Where is Jason when you need him?



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